Sarah Palin's Alaska Recap: Alaskan Chainsaw Massacre

I'm a day late with this week's Sarah Palin's Alaska recap because I was off yesterday, but the lapse shouldn't matter to you. Why? 1.) There is no way you actually watch this show. If you do, stop it. 2.) These recaps are better if you don't watch and let me make up what happened. 3.) We have a week left of this mess, and I'm not in the mood to quit now. Sarah's taught me better! So onward! The Aleutian revolution continues! I can see Willow's cold-ass Russian smirk from my house! Mush!

After an inspiring opening credit sequence (which -- in my mind -- includes Sarah soft-shoeing on a giant rifle, Todd flirting with a fish, and Bristol giving birth to an American Bald Eagle), Sarah explains that Willow is unprepared for adult life. I'll be.

"We need to remind Willow that for her future, she's in the driver's seat," she says as we spy Willow skidding along a dirt road in a pink dragster (for real). Does that mean we're in the passenger seat for Willow's future? Maybe we're stuffed in the glove compartment? Or locked in the trunk while Track and his friends suplex each other on the roof? I feel that way sometimes.

Sarah says she's in the mood for a logging adventure today, but before that, she talks about a snafu she made on Twitter. "I accidentally tweeted 'refudiate' instead of 'repudiate,'" she says. "Now 'refudiate' is the #2 most searched term on Google Trends. Well, that's turning lemons into lemonade!" I see. You know, maybe Sarah won't be president after all. Maybe she'll spend 2010 taking part in a Pay-Per-View spelling bee against Dan Quayle. I'd buy the converter box for it, honestly.

Back to reality Alaska: Sarah and Todd visit a lumberyard, and they take a chainsaw to a giant tree.

"If one of these starts fallin' another direction, there's gonna be trouble!" Sarah caws.

The tree falls. No one is killed or even bothered. Adventure over.

As Sarah evacuates the area via tiger-print limousine (I wish), she signs one of the lumberjack's chainsaws.

"I got Sarah to sign my chainsaw. I'm pretty proud of that," the lumberjack tells us. "Think I'm gonna retire and put it up on the shelf!"

Not if I can retire and put myself on the shelf first, which I feel like doing. The next day, Sarah helps operate a crane that picks up and drops lumber into a pile. Thrilling again, as you can imagine. Sarah's "adventures" are always fit for broadcast on ESPN3 at around 2:45 a.m.

In the episode's last (and thankfully best) act, Todd and Willow race stock cars on a giant dirt track. Seems like a friendly competition, but please remember that Willow's future is at stake. Sarah said so earlier.

"I want her to have a competitive bone in her body," Sarah says. "I want her to win."

I'm Team Todd personally, so Willow's on her own here. Who roots for Willow? Willow doesn't even root for Willow. She roots for hair straighteners and stankface.

Todd rips through the track with an astonishing 1:09 time. That'd be impressive if his claim to fame weren't "off-road vehicle driving," which it is. Willow's up next in her pink stock car, and she performs admirably until the final homestretch, where she crashes into a wall. Stock footage of an ambulance driving down a street plays to give us the impression she might be injured, but after a suspenseful commercial break, we learn that Willow wasn't decapitated in front of TLC cameras.

"I bet finishing like that was a badge of honor for Willow!" Sarah tells us. Translated: "Willow's the kind of person who mistakes 'messing up' for 'achievement.' I love that about her."

After the uninjured Willow and her parents spy on some Kodiak bears in the distance, the episode ends. Damn. Rough. Does anyone want to sign my chainsaw before I use it to maim my television?