Bad Movies We Love: A Star is Born
Merry Christmas, medium-sized fockers! I'll avoid yuletide cinema this week (since Alonso Duralde is assuaging your Kris Kringle needs with his "12 Days of Christmas" film series) and commemorate Little Fockers thespian Barbra Streisand's other worst film for today's edition of Bad Movies We Love: A Star is Born. Just like Christ, see. A Star is Born co-stars Kris (Kringle) Kristofferson, Gary (OMG) Busey, and our nervous laughter. Recline in your love-soft easy chairs and enjoy this fresh bearded hell!
Like most Bad Movies We Love, A Star is Born's story is hurtful to thinking people: A grizzled rocker named John Norman Howard (Kristofferson) is losing hold of his career and monumental celebrity. He stumbles upon a nightclub warbler named Esther Hoffman (Streisand), who is stuck fronting a trio called The Oreos. Please understand their name using the following clue:
Black people! This novelty act is going places.
Eventually John and Esther fall in love. After he flakes on a live gig, she's forced to fill in, use her unbelievable pipes to throttle the stadium, and win fame and fortune overnight. Her success causes friction in the marriage, and soon John dies because he drives like Grace Kelly after a losing night with the plebes in Monte Carlo. Don't worry, it's not that sad.
In order to love this overlong, underwritten (by John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion, no less!) movie, you must know one thing: Kris Kristofferson is an angry stuffed animal.
He's one of the few men alive who resembles both a Muppet and Jim Henson himself. And we thought meta-puppeteer shenanigans ended with Being John Malkovich.
Another lovable thing: Barbra and Kris have no chemistry whatsoever, and Kris's character is so horrible that Babs's instantaneous infatuation with him is appalling. Thankfully, the movie punishes her for its entire 140-minute duration, giving her reason after reason to dump this man on the roadside like, well, Kris Kristofferson's own Bobby McGee. Let's list them.
He shows affection by spraying her name in graffiti -- along the wall in his house. Banksy he is not.
He spices up concerts by stealing motorcycles and driving them into amplifiers, just before tumbling in the crowd and "injuring 17 people." (He justifies the recklessness with a snappy, "I'm just givin' 'em what they want!")
He shoots handguns at paparazzi helicopters. (Hell, everyone from Steven Seagal to Sarah Palin knows you need an MP5.)
He giggles, pouts, and grows three feet of facial hair during your Oscar-winning song. Back the hell off, Kris-Kroff.
When you win a Grammy, he'll interrupt your acceptance speech, halt the telecast, and humiliate you in front of your mentors Tony Orlando and Rita Coolidge. (You knew you loved this movie.)
And best of all, after he's married you and convinced you he's not a cooey flake like those good-for-nothing Bee Gees, he cheats on you with the first female proper noun in sight. Look at this harridan. She can't spell "People," let alone wail it.
Love will heal that wound, sure, but it won't help when he does this to the family convertible and his internal organs:
Like I said, Joan Didion co-wrote this screenplay. That turns out to be unsurprising when, after John gets in his ridiculous car accident, Esther mourns him and embarks upon a humiliating year of magical thinking. And by "magical," I do mean "wrong." No National Book Award for you, Babs.
There are plenty of Streisandian Bad Movies We Love, but A Star is Born is tops thanks to its needless existence (did we need a third version after Janet Gaynor and Judy Garland's A Star is Borns?), hilarious romance, and signature beardage. Runners-up for the throne include Nuts (which is a touch too boring for our love), Funny Lady (which is a touch too unnecessary), and The Way We Were (which is a touch too --- well, no, I'm just afraid of angering Robert Redford for some reason).
With that, BMWL departs until after the holiday. Dress your "Evergreen" with care, children! Or don't, and just let it look like its organic Gary Busey self.
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Comments
Everything I know about this film (up to now) has been defined by the record I've seen in my parents LP collection... and the half naked picture of babs and Kris that defines it...
thanks you for setting the record straight and defining the love my parents felt in '72 was clearly their own...
if my mother's taste in music was to be defining in a successful marriage
I"d be an orphan...
I remember this movie well - it laid the foundation for a lifelong crush on KK. I loved him so much I bought the book of the movie. (Do they even still do that?) Adding it to Netflix now.
I remember when this film opened, the local mall had a Barbra Streisand look alike contest. Basically a bunch of women with big noses and perms. The winner actually did look like her and ended up working at the cosmetics counter at JCPenney. I don't think that was the prize.
I disagree that this movie is more entertaining than NUTS. The idea that Babs could ever charge as much as the character claimed for sex is ludicrous and the flashbacks are hilarious. A STAR IS BORN is pretty boring. THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES however...
"The winner actually did look like her and ended up working at the cosmetics counter at JCPenney. I don't think that was the prize."
I am crying/laughing out loud at my hometown Starbucks. (Though I quieted upon realizing you have a point about The Mirror Has Two Faces.)
The Streisand look alike contest is one of those surreal moments from my childhoold that I often ask my sister about because in hindsight it seems so strange.
THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES is so funny because even when she's supposedly a frump, there's still the same warm amber glow on Streisand that's been folllowing her since YENTL. The funniest parts of STAR to me were her mourning scenes.
Did I miss something; what does Ryan O'Neil have to do with the Way We were? Which was awesome, but you could have mentioned The Main Event and then I would understand the Ryan O'Neil comment. And Funny Lady wasn't so bad, but I find Hello, Dolly basically unwatchable (Walter Matthau singing!).
I fell in love with kk and my husband to be at the time .kk said just go with ur heart and I did .im still married today .luv u kk
How old are you Streisand haters? 12? 6? You're so ignorant. Barbra is a genius.
Laughing with tears in my eyes from the comments, especially "the same warm amber glow on Streisand that's been folllowing her since YENTL".
What was the song playing on the radio when Kristofferson's character had the car wreck?
I searched for the chemistry between main actors
And it's truly sickening on internet the filthy language
And so called couch potato critics Calling her the c word?
I saw this when first came out worst casting was the furniture manager Brian and all supporting cast.
Get a life I saw this when first came to theatres
Not the best but thought. The rock star life was perfect
Get a life a job and stop embarrassing this spoiled country u brats