Bad Movies We Love: Newsies

The main thrust of Newsies is the battle between the underage scamps and yellow journalism giants Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst. Pulitzer (poor, poor Robert Duvall) decides to raise the price of papes, forcing the newsies into working harder to earn livable wages. Luckily, a newspaper reporter named Bryan Denton (Bill Pullman) starts interviewing Jack about the fairness of it all. This leads to renewed hope, a giant strike that Jack organizes, and songs. Since Newsies's favorite activity is ripping off heavy-handed '80s things, we get a tune that could've functioned in Dead Poets Society.

Wahoo! Jack is through with papes professionally.

You can tell he's in good hands with Bryan Denton, who says things like this: "Last year I covered the war in Cuba. I charged up San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt. That was an important story." Hope you like foreshadowing, because Newsies tucked some in there.

Before we zoom ahead to the thrillingly anticlimactic conclusion, here are three stills of magnificent Jack Kelly solo choreography. Single axle!

Was he auditioning for the role of "effeminate shuffling cowboy" in the following historical clip? Because he gets a callback.

After Jack and the newsies write their own paper, spread the word about their strife, and join forces with newsboys from as far away as Central Casting, Mr. Pulitzer conferences with Jack in his office. Not that Pulitzer is depicted as a one-dimensional villain or anything, but he says, "I tell this city how to think! I tell this city how to vote!" On the pop quiz after the movie, please remember to guess Jack as "the protagonist."

Lo and behold, Pulitzer succumbs to Jack's case (after he's joined by his "walkin' mouth" buddy David Jacobs) and dancing erupts in the ashy streets. Wait, wait -- who is that paralyzed man in the silly Teddy Roosevelt costume, barreling through the crowd to give Jack props?

There in the back? With the hat? My Uncle Marty! Oh, no. Wait -- that's Teddy Roosevelt. Leader of the free world and pape lover. And crowd-surfer, I guess. (What did I tell you about foreshadowing?)

So that's Newsies. Was it too long? Yes. Was it cheesy? Of course. Was it a precursor to Madonna's icky cowgirl persona of 2000? In fact it was. But did it have the gusto to make us believers in democracy, the fourth estate, and justice? Aha!

No, it didn't. But it did have the gusto to make Christian Bale's hair flips sorta titillating. That's all a BWML ever needs.

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