The Mike & Molly Fat Joke Tracker: One Fat Joke, Many Other Awful Jokes

Ever since Mike & Molly premiered in September, Movieline has lovingly chronicled each episode's fat jokes. From the "I look like Kathy Bates in Misery" thigh-slapper of episode 2 to the recycled "Looks like you finally freed Willy," slam of episode 6, Movieline has been there. Our cupcake vigil extended into last night's tragic episode, "Carl Gets a Girl," when the sitcom -- which gained national fatty recognition for roasting its carb-laden characters -- only logged one (gasp!) single fat joke.

Does that mean that the sitcom was more watchable than normal? Take a look at the replacement quips -- mostly at the expense of Koreans, senior citizens and menstruation -- and judge for yourself.

"Wow, what a fun night. We got to watch two guys joust while eating wild boar with our bare hands."

-- "Wild boar, my ass. That was ham loaf." -- Mike and Molly after medieval date night

"Well, I gave Carl a key in case I'm out of town and need him to bring in my mail or water my plants."

-- "OK, well you're not out of town and you don't have any plants."

"So he's probably in there doing some broad -- sorry, making sweet love to some broad." -- Mike and Molly

"So you're saying right now Carl is in there having sex on our bed?"

-- "I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver." -- Molly and Mike

"You must have been really exhausted last night. The minute your head hit the pillow, you were out like a light. Nothing could wake you, not whispering in your ear, not massaging your shoulders, not a gentle tap with the old jousting pole." -- Mike

"Oh, you need your space? What you need is hair plugs and a breath mint!" -- Molly's mom to her boyfriend

"I want my Walgreens senior discount card back. Let's see what kind of Casanova you are when you're paying full price for boner pills." -- Molly's mom to her boyfriend

"That's what you do best! You run, leaving us with nothing but heartache and a crotch full of stubble burn." -- Molly's mom to Mike

"If they'd invent a vibrator that killed spiders and did the cha-cha, we wouldn't need any men." -- Molly's mom

"Why can't you go to her place?"

-- "Because I'm not comfortable having sex in a bunk bed with a sister underneath us cooking Kimchi on a hot plate." -- Mike and Carl

"If I never had to eat, bathe or earn a living, I'd never unwrap my legs from your mighty torso." -- Molly to Mike

"I didn't used to [believe in Bigfoot], until I saw him running away from our campsite with a can of Pringles and a bag of weed." -- Molly's sister

"Is there anything I can get you?"

-- "I want my youth back."

"I was thinking more along the lines of Fresca or a piece of toast." -- Mike and Molly's mother

"I'm in good shape too. I do pilates three times a week and I'm a lifetime Kegeler." -- Molly's mom

"I would have finished higher but Miss Congeniality's talent was sword swallowing...if you know what I mean." -- Molly's mom

"I made no promises. When we got together, I told her I could not be tied down! It turns out I could be tied down and punished, punished, punished." -- Carl

"I don't know how old she is! She's got that Asian thing. She could be 18 or 30." -- Carl

"Perhaps it's his time of the month?"

-- "Well he does look a little bloated." -- Carl and Carl's friend, about Mike

"What's to explain? You wanted space. Go sit on a missile." -- Molly's mom to her boyfriend

The answer is no. Actually, it was impossible not to cringe while reading through those jokes, let alone watching an Emmy-winning actress like Swoosie Kurtz recite broad lines about "boner pills" and "crotch stubble." But this entire season, Mike & Molly creators have been trying desperately to prove that their main characters are just like real life couples in spite of their weight struggles -- and they may have almost proved that last night. Like you and your mate, Mike and Molly bicker while wearing crowns from medieval-themed restaurants, they withhold sex from each other and they make a lot of bad jokes. The thing is: in real life, no one would follow up your boyfriend's "jousting pole" double entendre with a laugh track and reward him by packaging it as comedy on a television network.