The Wit & Wisdom of Gossip Girl: True Grit

"What do you say we find that bitch and get ourselves some frontier justice?" Applause! With that single line -- courtesy of Blair Waldorf, natch -- Gossip Girl washed away the bad taste left by "Witches of Bushwick". (Which you might remember as the worst episode of any television show this season.) Too bad it happened in the final moments of "Gaslit," an episode that was fairly solid, if still coated in some frustration and hair extensions.

Yes, that's a reference to Jenny, who returned to the Upper East Side when Serena "overdosed" in a "Queens hotel room." Is there nothing worse?! There is: The idea that Juliet was able to keep Serena locked up and drugged, Misery-style, for what had to be over a week. Everyone kept saying how they were used to this behavior from the "old Serena," but wouldn't someone try to look for what amounts to a missing teenager -- especially one as "famous" as Serena van der Woodsen?

Never mind, though! Serena calls the police, gets healthy after her overdose and is immediately checked into the (Dawn) Ostroff Center for Trouble Teens with Blonde Highlights against her will. Having seen The O.C., we all knew how this would end: With the brooding, wrong-side-of-the-tracks boyfriend busting his beloved out of the joint. Only, in this case, Dan and Serena are stepsiblings, something which everyone conveniently forgot.

Eventually order gets restored -- thanks to some truly terrible parenting from both Rufus and Lily -- and even Serena believes she's regressed into some zombie-like party girl. Good thing for Blair and Dan, then, who know Juliet was responsible for everything, and plan on hunting her down like a modern day Rooster Cogburn. Delightful!

(Oh, and Vanessa is a crazy wench who is under Juliet's imperius curse.)

With all this plotting, Gossip Girl herself was oddly quiet, but that doesn't mean she didn't provide enough fodder for the index. Onward!

"Thanksgiving: My favorite holiday. As always, I'll be spending it giving thanks for the bounty of secrets I've harvested from you this year. But leave a place for me at your table; I'll be back for just desserts."

I'll be back for dessert, GG. Not "just desserts." Unless you're making a sly reference to Top Chef: Just Desserts, in which case: Awesome. Just as long as you weren't on Team Morgan. That douche.

Wit or wisdom: Wit.

"Afternoon, Upper East Side! Were your dinners as filling as mine was? Hope not, because have I got some dessert for you...with sugar on top. It seems everyone's favorite party girl fell off the wagon and landed in rehab. Good luck getting a Lohan-dle on things S; from the looks of it, you've got a lot to recover from."

Here's the problem: The picture Gossip Girl shows with this blast is of "Serena" still wearing her masquerade ball mask. (It was actually -- and obviously -- Juliet.) Now, questions: If you were going on a multi-day bender, would you keep your stupid Eyes Wide Shut mask on, or would you rip it off and dive right into all your pills? Also: Where was this picture taken? Unless it was the cab that Juliet tossed Serena in -- and rode in with her -- S hasn't been outside in days. Wouldn't Serena know that? Wouldn't Serena know that wasn't her? Drugged or not, she's not that stupid. Or maybe she is. Anyway! This was so damning that it even turned Serena on herself. Nice convictions, girl.

Wit or wisdom: Wisdom.

"During the holidays we call customary patterns of behavior, tradition. And like any pattern, once established they are not easily broken. Sometimes we convince ourselves we can start new traditions, only to realize it wouldn't be a tradition if it changed. Other times, even things we never realized were traditions can become one. But the best kinds of traditions are the ones that bring people together, even under the most unlikely of circumstances. Come together right now."

The kicker to that jumble of text was brought to you by iTunes -- purchase all your favorite Beatles songs today! Ahem. This felt like word vomit when it was coming out of the television speakers, but upon reflection it isn't that bad. There is a pattern here and a boilerplate statement for what we can expect to see on Gossip Girl for the foreseeable future. Blair and Dan will hunt Juliet; Serena and her mother will mend their fences; Nate will continue to look forlorn and wonder why he didn't star in Footloose; and Chuck will just keep eating Blair's pie. That last one isn't even a euphemism.

Wit or wisdom: Wisdom.

OVERALL: Normally when an episode hedges too close to being wise, it's a disaster. (Note: If you're getting wisdom from Gossip Girl or Gossip Girl please consult a medical professional.) "Gaslit" was mostly enjoyable, however, if only because of the greatness that seems to be coming our way next week. Saddle up, etc.