Sarah Palin's Alaska: Bludgeoning God's Creatures for the Halibut
Yes sirree, Sarah and Bristol Plain killed halibut with a billy club on Sarah Palin's Alaska last night. Bristol almost retreated several times, but her muscle memory just reloaded wildly, slapping those halibut like a Nordic Ruth Buzzi. Of course, there's more fishiness and feistiness where that came from. Come along for the rootin' tootin' review.
At the top of the episode, Sarah chirps that she gets up at 4 a.m. during Alaska's nightless summers. When she's finished greeting the day with a literal wave, she starts on the difficult Alaskan business of going to a shooting range. She brings Todd with, and Bristol -- because who better to shoot skeet with than a humorless abstinence coach? Like the Inuit saying goes.
After Sarah, Todd, and Bristol set up on the shooting range, Sarah unleashes the following anecdote:
"My girlfriends threw my baby shower here," she says. "I love to share that story because it gets the liberals all wee-wee'd up."
Now, I'm liberal, but I personally wouldn't know if I were wee-wee'd up. Maybe that's the sneaky genius of Sarah Palin. I think I'm just annoyed with her, but she's actually cranking up my wee-wee meter like a dastardly Aleutian buccaneer. I'm none the wiserRRrr.
Anyway, Sarah and Todd prove themselves to be expert marksmen. There goes one clay pigeon! And two! And three! It's like when you discover your friends' parents are still really good at Duck Hunt -- always unnerving. Now, Bristol's not up on her NES motor skills, so she misses her first few discs. Fear not, here's Sarah with an adage.
"Don't retreat," she says, reloading Bristol's gun. "Just reload."
Yep. Pimping out the old catchphrases like Jimmie "J.J." Walker. She'll make a hell of a Hollywood Squares panelist some day on a TLC revamp hosted by Ty Pennington. Mark my words. Or the next POTUS.
(By the way, Bristol finally hit a clay pigeon. Unfortunately, she's never visibly excited or happy or un-lethargic, so there's no need to embellish her triumph. We obviously have Dancing with the Stars for that. Onward.)
Next day, Sarah packs up most of her family for a major RV trip to Homer, Alaska, the halibut capital of the world.
"We're headin' down there just for the halibut," Sarah tells us, before looking to a producer off-camera. "See, Alaskans know that joke. I don't know if everyone will."
Yep again. That's as bad as TLC's smear campaign editing will get today, but who knows, maybe next week they'll show her teaching Willow Palin homophobic slurs and lewd flyfishing metaphors for the halibut.
(By the way, let's forgive Willow Palin's homophobia. The only gay person she knows is the one mounted in the den. Ruhspect.)
Upon arriving at Homer, Sarah says she can tell her 9-year-old daughter Piper is becoming an ornery child. Worse yet, she says fame is really wearing on Bristol. This trip will be good for the both of them, she claims. It'll add some color to the early chapters of their ghostwritten autobiographies Just a Piper Dream and That's So Bristol. That I know. The troop soon encounters some fisherman who take them aboard a boat and tell them to beat the hell out of any halibut that fly on deck.
And also, Sarah decides to tell everyone lessons.
"Todd, your lesson is 'This is the first day of the rest of your lives," she says. "Willow, yours is 'The sun will come out tomorrow.' And Bristol, yours is 'There are plenty of fish in the sea.'"
Don't ask why Sarah just became a fleshy fortune cookie oracle. Soon she'll look into the future and proclaim that the world is in for "achieving goals." Anyway, back to bludgeoning alive things.
"When they land on deck, help bop 'em right between the eyes," Captain Dan says to Bristol.
For some reason Bristol is reserved at first. Sarah helps by taking the billy club from her hands and whacking the first halibut like a genius slapstick vet. Bristol handles the next one pretty well, throttling the flopping fish with elan. She's still Shemp compared to Sarah's Mo Howard, but good on her.
"I was proud of Bristol!" Sarah proclaims. "She got that billy club and she started stunnin' those fish! I was lookin' at her out the corner of my eye and thinking, 'Wonder what she's picturing as she's makin' her mark there on those fish?'"
There will be no anti-Levi rhetoric in this post, so you can interpret Sarah's comment on some blog where that hateful behavior is tolerated. Let's get back to more loving actions: Bristol grabs a halibut's beating heart and trembles with power when it starts to throb in her hand. Not kidding.
Todd tries to divert us from her hyperventilation with a quick note about sea otters. "They roll in the water to trap air bubbles in their fur!" he says. But it's too late: Bristol has rubbed the bleeding heart on her face, chest, and convulsing limbs, and now she's tonguing the halibut's eye sockets to feel their lifeless pupils tickle her gums, epoxying her lips together in a ripe slime.
Fine, I was kidding that time. But she does like squeezing bleeding hearts, sort of.
After a quick clam-digging adventure, the episode closes as Sarah and Todd cook some clams and compete to see who can fry 'em better. Todd beats Sarah, but she finds some kind words to say about him.
"He's my helpmate," she says. "He's the best common sense adviser I could ever ask for."
Not that she's accepting applications, guys. Settle down.
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Comments
Do you guys all go some sort of training so that you can be so preciously snide to those you find beyond the pale ? It's not even faintly amusing --- just consistently nasty.
Know why Sarah Palin has so much support out there ? Of course you don't. To you it's all simply inconceivable, but in the Princess Bride sense of that word, I fear.
Palin is popular BECAUSE of people such as YOU. Nobody outside of your unpleasant little cliques appreciates a steady diet of snideness and condescension. Same as people are voting for Bristol just to spite the animals who have been so gratuitously unpleasant to a 20 year old girl who simply wanted to dance.
But don't learn anything just because you are clearly failing in plain sight. Just keep on, keeping on. It's working perfectly.
Just not for YOU.
Wow -- you probably don't eat ANY meat, do you? After all, all "meat" was once an animal that was killed for, well, our consumption toward survival.
Liberals just do not understand why people just don't take them seriously anymore. They are just 18% of the nation's population who cannot understand or tolerate the views of the other 82% of us (moderates and conservatives).
Like the author of this blog does with Sarah Palin, they paint everyone else as "extremists" for failing to adhere to their warped socioeconomic standards.
The good news? If they keep up their radical pompous attitude, liberals will continue to lose elections. Everyone outside of San Francisco, Boston and Washington DC is beginning to realize how out-of-touch the modern DNC is -- and how warped the BIG MEDIA morality (or lack thereof) has caused elected Democrats to become.
I read up until you had to state you were a liberal .... then I knew you just hated Sarah because she is a happier person than you will ever be. you surely need to find out what humor is, because you never found it.
I watched the episode and laughed through most of it. Then I read this recap and laughed through it. How can you not - regardless if you like or dislike her? Bottom line though is that the series makes Sarah more human, and closer to a lot more of the Republican base that actually shows up at the polls and votes. She is not reacting like she is a dainty flower - she is up to her elbow in fish guts and that is a lot closer to America than most of our politicians.
there are such gross people in the world, and at least 3 of them have commented here.
The more "human" she tries to look in this desperate show, the more loony she looks and sounds.
Comparing Skeet shooting to Nintendo's Duck Hunt, obviously proves that you've never fired a shotgun or any gun for that matter.
Bristol "trembles with power" while holding the beating halibut heart in her hand, I guess that's what one sees when they're viewing Sarah Palin or her family while wearing they're special Palin Hate eye glasses.
"There will be no anti-Levi rhetoric in this post"
Why? Are you hoping to get a date?
There is nothing more pathetic than you filthy progressives, it takes an empty heart and head to show absolute disdain for a FAMILY that shows genuine love amongst each other. Your idea of the American Family is one out of "American Beauty", disfunction, infidelity and drugs.
For the record, there is a "skeet shooting" game within Duck Hunt. That's what I was talking about. Hope that clears up any "disfunction" and drug use I may have incurred.
Here is a woman who is a long way from baking cookies in the kitchen. What Progressives can't stand is she is not one of them. She has a career, kids, even one with Downs Syndrome whom she loves, a husband who stays out of the way, she is athletic, she shoots, hunts, skins her own food, kinda like a female Teddy Roosevelt. Women who see strong conservative women just might wake up and realize the paranoia the left peddles is false and they don't have to vote Democratic for protection. That is right Progressives run a protection racket, using lies to get minorities and women to stay in line. Like Republican and Conservative are out to get you. What this all comes down to, this hate and nastiness, is that Palin doesn't agree with you on abortion, gay marriage, and government control of our lives.
If you have a prob with "wee-wee," ------------- and who doesn't, ------------- take it up with the village idiot who originated the term.
That would be the false messiah the media pushed on a poorly informed American electorate.
Palin used the term, you dolt, to mock the originator of the term.
But that just flew right over your pointy head.
And you think you had to tell us you are a liberal? Why you even have a forum is a mystery to me. You are a worthless syphon of resources and offer nothing original or interesting to say. George Bernard Shaw, no doubt one of your icons, would have you bludgeoned like an Alaskan halibut.
Palin is a braggart, idiot and opportunistic. Everyone loving her is your stupid main-stream America. Also clubbing fish which excites her and family shows their brutishness. These animal and fish killers should go back to their igloo and suck ice.!
so im just going to say that you are finding reasons to dislike them..."It’s like when you discover your friends’ parents are still really good at Duck Hunt — always unnerving." so you don't like that they are good at shooting skeet.... or is it just that you quiver at the sight of a gun because it represent everything you don't..what i think is "unnerving" is that this got published.... "By the way, Bristol finally hit a clay pigeon. Unfortunately, she’s never visibly excited or happy or un-lethargic, so there’s no need to embellish her triumph." .... so you are unhappy that bristol is bad at shooting guns and that maybe she dosen't enjoy it .... make up your mind and dont criticize opposing sides because then your left with noting ... oh wait your a liberal... maybe just keep your skrewy ideas to your other liberal friends....maybe next time try putting this on facebook instead...(sorry but i dont care if i am writing in perfect inglish u getz the point)
I am a Republican......well in theory anyway....my husband is a pastor of an evangelical church......and I kept reading even after you said you were a liberal.....Because really...who cares. This was freakin' FUNNY! *post note....I have never seen the show OR voted for any Palin in any capacity BUT I did live in Alaska...so that makes me an expert ;0)
Liberals don't have to kill animals, they just go to the grocery store to buy their meat. That way no animal or fish has to be killed. You should see what Alaskans do when they catch a big halibut. They shoot it; with a gun !!!
you are so..just wow. first of all, "liberals" getting their meat from stores means no animal has to be killed? Where do they come from then?? A magic wand??? and you obviously didn't watch the show, because they don't shoot halibuts with guns.
"She’s still Shemp compared to Sarah’s Mo Howard", "Moe Howard was born on June 19, 1897, in Bensonhurst, New York,"
It is spelled Moe, not Mo.
You can't hide. You didn't have to tell us your a liberal. You reek! Your one of those people that think food naturally comes out of a carton... Get over Sarah, and refer to her as your future President....Focus on the bozo we got in office now, while he is still there.... Focus postings on how much he has screwed this country in such a short time.
hey, liberal d-bag! when your precious can do no wrong obama finally succeeds in bringing about the total collapse of the american economy,it will be people like the palin's who youre going to have to turn to teach your sorry ass how to survive on a day by day basis.
What the h%ll is it with you liberal a$$wipes? She's a normal American woman, doing normal American things. You people live in your little Cappucchino Bubble World, and hate everybody with a different opinion than yours. Would you prefer we eat the animals alive?
What was the point of that article? Lots of people shoot weapons and club fish. You shouldn't go down south if the Palins were irritating. We do all sorts of fun things like that.
This was hilarious. Palin is nothing more than a dimwitted caribou barbie with celebrity obsession disorder. But clubbing fish to death on TV? Oh my! paging PETA...!
I'm not a liberal...but Sarah has no respect for animal life what so ever. When you have to kill an animal...you don't have to be laughing & having the best time of your life. Princess Dumbass of North Woods has showed her true colors. They would of billy clubbed that whale if they could. What rednecks...
Sarah likes seeing the United States divided. She likes having the Tea Party against the Democrats when the United States really needs to be trying to compromise & work TOGETHER. But Sarah loves to fight like a big old mama grizzy....you betcha....its flippin fun. Its all McCains fault for introducing this woman to the world. GO AWAY SARAH...YOUR VOICE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Nikb-
The liberal definition of "compromise & working together" is "change your opinion to agree with me." Sarah (and most of us in America) are done with that kind of thinking and isn' afraid to say so.
Here's compromise in my family. What can we afford? I'd like a nicer car but we can't afford it. My wife would like a new kitchen but we can't afford it. You get the point?
Now, take that to a national level and you'll see that the U.S. is the most in debt entity in the history of the world. Over 40K in debt for every man, woman and child in the country. And it keeps going up daily.
Your side wants more government? Sorry. Just can't afford it. You side wants more regulations? Sorry, just can't afford it. Your side wants more illegal aliens taking our jobs and our social program benefits? Sorry, just can't afford it. You want to take more of my paycheck during a time when sales are down and my commission checks are too? Sorry, just can't afford it.
Want to add to the chorus by saying things like "More Corporate Welfare? Just can't afford it" and "Bigger Military? Just can't afford it." and you'll be surprised to find most teapartiers agree with you. There's room for compromise there, and teapartiers are ready to work with you on that.
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