Grey's Anatomy Pain Scale: From Cardiology to (Irish) Car Bombs

Shonda Rhimes hid a few important lessons in last night's Grey's Anatomy: For example, even if you Super Glue yourself to your girlfriend, love (and a frustrated surgeon wielding acetone) will still tear you apart. Also, just because you are a star surgeon does not mean that you know how to properly mix an Irish car bomb. Finally, no matter how much of a lesbian you think you are, you will never be able to resist sex from a man nicknamed McSteamy. So pop a few pain killers -- nothing to burst that stomach ulcer though -- and continue onto the pain readings from last night's episode, "Slow Night, So Long."

1. Seeing Cristina Behind the Bar

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Heartache. After Owen told her to "get a job," former star surgeon Cristina traded her scrubs and scalpel for shot glasses at Joe's. As Seattle Grace's residents poured in to celebrate Derek's grant, Cristina clumsily fixed them a tray of drinks she christened the Early Onset Alzheimer's..."because you won't remember anything after you drink it." It is hard seeing someone you care about flounder and Shonda Rhimes succeeded in creating a character whose floundering would make viewers' hearts ache accordingly.

2. Teddy Tries, Fails at Internet Dating

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 3. Slight chest pain and when that subsides, a sense of "Who cares?" Don't judge Teddy. She has a demanding career and it is hard for her to meet strong-minded individuals like her in real life, so she tried the internet. After her first disaster date, she headed to Joe's, where she slammed two Early Onset Alzheimer's shots and then lamented her date's icebreaker. "Why would he ask me what my favorite food was?" she moaned. "Like he read that that's some good icebreaker from some internet handbook that was distributed at the Loser Fair."

3. A Teenage Boy Super Glues Himself to His Girlfriend So That He Won't Have to Move With His Family To Wisconsin

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 5. Nausea. I suppose this minor trauma was meant to provide levity when paired against the story arc involving two brothers in critical condition after they tried to outrun a train in their car.

4. Dr. Stark Yells at Meredith For Interrupting His Tiramisu to Treat a Patient With Gas

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Cramping. We've all been there. You finally get reservations to that fictional four-star Italian restaurant in Seattle, schedule a date night, order the tiramisu and are about to dig in when -- your pager goes off, because one of your patients is suffering severe abdominal pain! What do you do? If you are Dr. Stark, you jet back to the hospital, inspect the patient, and after a quick look at his medical chart, deduce that he is just suffering from gas pains. And then you verbally abuse the surgeon who paged you in the first place. And then you drive back across town to finish your tiramisu and prepare to repeat this cycle.

5. Bailey Uses Her Child-Free Night to Get Trashed On Blue Drinks at Joe's

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 7. Discomfort. It was disconcerting watching Miranda Bailey, consistently the most logical Seattle Grace employee, throw professional caution to the wind by slamming Cristina's Early Onset Alzheimer's shots with the argument, "If Cristina Yang can tend bar because she wants to, I can drink because I want to."

6. McSteamy Suggests That Callie Get Over Arizona With a "Sexual Palette Cleanser"

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 3. For a second, viewers thought that by "sexual palette cleanser," McSteamy meant himself. But he didn't. He meant the cute redhead across the bar who had her eye on Callie all night. Sigh. McStallie forever.

7. Bailey Slurs That She Just Wants "a Man That Can Talk Fistulas

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 8. Greater discomfort. I don't like seeing liquor-lubricated Miranda Bailey, even when she is dictating her Match.com profile one minute and incoherently babbling about a lost patient the next.

8. Drunk Bailey Gives April Advice On a Patient, Sex

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 9. Greatest discomfort possible without passing out. While being hooked up to a saline pouch, Seattle Grace's Mama Bear unloaded some knowledge on April, a self-confessed virgin, like "Don't take your maiden voyage with Karev." and "Keep your knees together until you meet someone nice." and "I want to call my ex-boyfriend Ben because he knew how to take care of me in ways that my ex-husband never understood." OK, that last sentence was not advice as much as a nightmare-ish visual. Finally, once everyone watching had been properly skeeved out, Bailey told April how to separate her Super Glued lovers: soap, warm water and acetone.

9. McDreamy Assumes the Role of Bouncer to Cristina's Stripper

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 7. More heartache. Once the rest of Seatle Grace's booze shift left Joe's to terrorize the halls of the hospital drunk, McDreamy stuck around to keep an eye on Cristina, who after one-too-many shots, was giving a bachelor party lap dances. The ever-wise McDreamy drank water and told the bartender, "She's got a lot of people telling her what to do these days. She doesn't need another person doing that. Instead, he promised to "act like her bouncer" as long as she was flouncing around Joe's "like a stripper."

10. McSteamy "Cleanses" Callie's Palette

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Relief. McStallie lives! After McSteamy put Callie to bed, he took of his shirt, flexed his muscles and waited. And within minutes, Callie woke up, zombie-walked into the kitchen and told McSteamy that she was ready for his sorbet already.