South Park Casualty Count: The Attack of the Food Network Stars

Last night, Trey Parker and Matt Stone skillfully skewered the Food Network in a new South Park episode so outrageous that at one point Randy Marsh masturbated to an episode of Guy Fieri's Big Bite. It happened. Ahead, a more detailed recap of Randy's adventure into the seedy underbelly of food porn, and the body count from last night's installment, "Crème Fraiche."

When Randy Marsh develops an unhealthy addiction to the Food Network, his wife uses the parental controls to block the channel from the family TV. Instead of curbing his habit though, this drives Randy to call the channel's hotline late at night to get his fix. He does, by speaking to a sultry food prep operator named Amanda who describes in vivid detail how she is making a pan roasted chicken. "Shallots won't overwhelm the natural flavors, f*ck yeah," Randy salivates on the other end of the line.

Sharon picks up the phone downstairs and hears the dirty conversation and decides to confide in Sheila. "It's like I don't even know him anymore," she says. "Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom and he was sitting on the toilet flambé-ing a pork chop." Sheila convinces Sharon to work out a little and maybe Randy will think that his wife is more desirable than the Food Network.

Sharon buys a Shake Weight and uses it regularly. After a few days, her relationship with the Shake Weight heats up and the two take a beach vacation. But gradually, Sharon grows tired of using the Shake Weight even thought it engages her conversationally ("Tell me about the woman you hate most at work."). When she finds a maid using her Shake Weight thought, Sharon packs her exercise tool and goes home.

Meanwhile, Randy quits his job as a geologist to pursue his new passion by cooking for Stan's school. Within hours, he disposes of the school's planned lunches, creates his own menu and insists that Stan tape the entire meal preparation process as if he were on his own cooking show.

In order to convince Randy that he will never achieve his dream of becoming a celebrity chef, Cartman impersonates Gordon Ramsay and tells Randy that he is a horrible cook. But this plan backfires when Alton Brown, Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, Jamie Oliver, Giada De Laurentiis and Paula Deen hear that Gordon Ramsay is visiting South Park and crash the school to stage a new food competition show: Hell's Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge.

As the show heats up, Randy realizes that he cannot find his secrete ingredient, crème fraiche, and returns home in a frenzy to find it. Instead of finding the ingredient, he finds Sharon, who uses her new Shake Weight skills to calm Randy enough for him to fall asleep and forget his aspirations of becoming a celebrity chef.

Casualties Claimed at the Hands of Matt Stone and Trey Parker Last Night:

Food Network, Guy Fieri, Progressive, Shake Weight, Gordon Ramsay, Alton Brown, Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, Jamie Oliver, Giada De Laurentiis and Paula Deen

Kenny's Cause(s) of Death:

N/A.

Obligatory Anti-Semitic Slur:

N/A. (Shocking, I know.)

Best Lines:

"See what he did, Stan? He brined that in the fridge so now he can sear the sh*t out of it." -- Randy

"You going to deglaze that pan now?

-- "Yeah, I'm going to deglaze it. Do you want to help me?"

"If I was there, I would. I'd take some red wine -- about a quarter cup -- and then a wooden spoon and I'd deglaze the f*ck out of that pan." -- Randy and a Food Network Hotline operator talking dirty about food.

"This morning my dad was pretending to read Playboy but he actually had a Bon Appetit magazine inside of it." -- Stan

Movieline Rating:

9/10. Best episode of the season so far.