Modern Family Family Member of the Week: 'Manny Get Your Gun'

You want Modern Family to emerge from a two-week break feeling effervesced, spritely, and gay, but instead we were treated to a limp, opaque, overwhelmingly heterosexual episode. Manny tried to cancel his birthday party after worrying he'd lost his childhood, Phil and Claire fought for road dominance in their complimentary-colored SUVs, and Mitchell tried to impress by Cameron by joining a dance mob whose jam was the sublime "Free Your Mind." But which family member was en vogue last night? Join us for the rankings.

Modern Family Member of the Week: Phil

You can't underrate a Phil Dunphy crying jag. His weepy correspondence this episode with his daughters -- who objected to his "Family Camp" plans -- conveyed all the actual discomfort of watching your own dad cry. But my favorite Dunphy moment was earlier in the car ride when he bemoaned Claire's haughtiness: "You know I love your mother, but I think you also know a certain look she gets that says, 'Listen to me, I'm always right.'" When Haley replied, "You mean her face?," Phil's fast rejoinder, "Now we're getting this," was the best throwaway line of the past few episodes. It almost makes you forgive anyone who would ever consider attending "Family Camp."

2. Gloria

Gloria revealed her sharpshooting skills last night, firing off a BB gun at Manny's inflatable raft and Jay's cookware. While Manny protested her Annie Oakley tactics, no one could argue the veracity behind Gloria's claim of supreme marksmanship: "I could've unbuttoned your shirt if I wanted to."

3. Cameron

Cameron scores the bronze because life is a pre-choreographed En Vogue flash mob, and we're all jumping in last minute to look sassy and coordinated with the pack. Though Mitchell had En Vogue's moves down, Cameron's awkwardness gave us something we can fe-el.

4. Luke

My least favorite Dunphy child justified his existence by tapping into his mom's neuroses and forgetting to wear shoes before getting in the car. He's dunderheaded and unassuming, but unlike his sisters, he really does feel like Phil and Claire's kid.

5. Manny

Wish I liked Manny, but I definitely don't. Worse yet, didn't he already have an age-related crisis this season? Didn't Jay have to interrupt his golf game and teach him about God? Anyway, Gloria shot things at him, so I'm sympathetic for the next six minutes.

Not listed: Jay, Claire, Mitchell (no original Pritchett clansmen this week -- dayyum), Dunphy daughters, En Vogue, riled lady sharpshooters of the Old West.