The A-List: New York Recap: Mad Vagenius

Speaking of Rodiney, it's time to barge in on him doing another swimwear shoot. It's kind of boring, but a nice 2(x)ist publicist sent me these photos, and I have a Woodwardian/Bernsteinian obligation to post them.

That was germane, we can agree.

Next, Derek, Ryan, TJ, and Reichen meet up at a long-abandoned cafe and argue over whether Austin's ass is beautiful. Is it pert and personable, or is it a drippy omelet bundled up in a clever way? Derek objects with badger sounds. Reichen contributes by bringing up how depressed he is, but TJ luckily interrupts by announcing, "If Austin gave me an apology and just let me plow his ass...!" and he doesn't end the sentence because Reichen just needed to be shunned. Well done, Carrot Fop. You may advance to a spinoff series, Amen (for Gay Men) co-starring Carson Kressley and Sherman Hemsley.

Mike Ruiz makes one last stab at screen time by calling Rodiney and demanding to know if he'll be in New York for his important photo shoot. Rodiney says he's not sure he'll ever return to the city, but that doesn't make sense since that's where the camera crews are. Mike hangs up the phone, ignores Rodiney's verblessness, and suspects he'll be back in 25 minutes. This Mike character is on the right track.

Lo and behold, Rodiney is told that the Miami modeling world is dead. He heads back to New York and schedules an important non-fight with Reichen. After Reichen musters up gigantic Reichen-shaped tears, they decide to stay together. Good, it all makes sense now.

While they're at it, Derek and TJ make up with Austin because it turns out the producers lost their fake-fight storyboard episodes ago. They quickly choose to be longtime best friends who once triple-kissed at David Geffen's dog's loft in Encino or something, whatever.

"I'd rather have sex with you than a war of words!" TJ hollers at Austin. A grim Chekhovian silence descends on the room. TJ misreads that as approval and continues screaming.

In the episode's last act, Reichen invites Ryan, TJ, Derek, and Austin together to tell them big news. Derek thinks Reichen's going to announce that he's been cast in another play, but that's because Derek is a lonely rodent prince with wrong ideas. Nope, they're all here to learn that Reichen and Rodiney are back together!

"I don't see you two together!" Austin shrieks, apropos of nothing. "You're kidding."

"I'm asking for your support," Reichen says. He needs the support because he's dating a bad person like Rodiney.

"Not happening," Austin says. "What is it you feel you have to fight for?"

"Honey, you don't need to understand us," Rodiney interrupts. "You know what's love? You know what's love?"

"This isn't love," Austin retorts with all the finality and drama of a domestic abuse PSA starring Elizabeth Berkley and Elizabeth Berkley. (She also plays the husband).

Austin and Rodiney start screaming at each other. Austin is upset, but Rodiney is just trying to remember how to make sentences in the middle of all the noise. Finally, in a moment of pure syntactical chaos, Rodiney lunges at Austin and tries to punch him in the face. Bad news: Austin fights back and sort of knocks Rodiney down. Reichen scolds Rodiney for initiating the fight, but it's too late: TJ and Derek are already congratulating Austin on his big-time Roberto Duran moves.

"You made my nipples hard!" TJ says, maybe for the eleventh time today.

"That was vagenius," Derek adds, seriously for the third time this episode. He is a dickiot.

Rodiney closes the episode with the following anecdote: "My dad used to say to me, 'If someone fights you, don't back down. If you came back crying, I will come and spank you.'" Now that sounds like a show I can watch with pride. Tune in next week when this show is inevitably renamed Come Back and Spank Rodiney, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, and we all get a chance to smack Rodiney's rear at a quaint southern eatery. TJ, you are not allowed to play the spank-friendly proprietor. Sit now. There, there. Stop hyperventilating.

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