The A-List: New York Recap: Mad Vagenius

The A-List: New York treated us to a beatdown last night. I mean us, literally. We were beaten down. The A-List: New York's dimwitted cast was Mike Tyson and our hard-earned intelligence was Michael Spinks. I'm spitting out teeth I thought I lost as an infant. Oh, and Rodiney got smacked around too, but his brain is still shaped correctly -- the lucky bastard. Let's pool our gelatinous, oblong neurons together and work to remember last night's A-List.

A-List thinks it's Jersey Shore this week (take that, Derek!), so we begin the episode as Ryan gives Reichen a haircut. But unlike anyone on Jersey Shore, Reichen cannot be paid to have a sense of humor about himself.

"I texted Rodiney," he explains to a not-so-captive crowd that includes Mike Ruiz, TJ, and apparent barber Ryan. "I texted him, 'Are you happy? I miss you.' And Rodiney texted back, 'No, I'm not happy.'"

Ryan raises his hand to offer comforting words. "Does Rodiney not understand? English is his second language."

That must be it. Rodiney confused the buttons and meant to say he was on top of the world. But not literally on top of the world, Rodiney. Careful. Wait, something just went wrong: We're forgetting to think about Reichen.

"The thing is, guys, I'm also hurting," he says, helpfully.

"Yeah," Ryan agrees.

"I mean, sure, I flirted with other guys!" Reichen exclaims proudly (?). "But that's because I was so sick of Rodiney thinking about himself. None of you sees that I'm the good guy here."

"Maybe you coddled him too much," TJ chimes in, hoping Reichen will just look at him. He doesn't know what "coddled" means, but maybe Reichen will be flattered by that word.

"Yeah! I coddled him too much! That's it!" Reichen shouts, throwing in a few Van Damme-ian neck pumps to emphasize his point. Egotism is this man's bloodsport.

Mike Ruiz sits at the edge of the room and says almost nothing, now gravely aware that he's surrounded by the kind of attention-starved gay people who ruined every revival of Match Game. Unfortunately, we can't root for Mike Ruiz either. After all, he claims to enjoy some of these people and his haircut looks like Rowlf from Muppet Babies. Seems like a nice guy, but let's stay a yardstick away.

Whoops, shhh, Reichen found time to talk again.

"Rodiney said he wouldn't stay with me unless I paid for him!" he insists. "Do you guys get that I love him?"

Now wait: Didn't Rodiney book those modeling gigs to help pay rent? Didn't he say repeatedly that he felt bad about not contributing more to household finances? This is the kind of thing that makes me believe A-List might be an objectively terrible show, because Reichen's coterie of twits believe that Rodiney is bad news, but we have no reason to agree. I want to understand! I want Mike Ruiz to borrow 90 seconds of screen time each episode to tell us how to understand, but maybe he doesn't know either. In fact, it's just like Inception: The more you begin to understand, the more you wish everyone would shut up and let Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Rodiney wear his tight little pants in sexy midair.

After that tragic scene, we flash over to Rodiney, who has momentarily relocated back to Miami.

"New York hard for me!" he explains to nameless straight people. "Do I look worse now? Check out abs of mine. 'Scuse me!" Then he shows his abs. The straight people have been told that Rodiney is The Situation of A-List, so they start cawing and juking and fist-pumping like jackasses. Fine, back to Reichen.

At Reichen's lonely pad in New York, Austin decides to drop by and bring over a friendly platter of strawberries and champagne. Platonic and subtle as usual. He sprinkles some baby's breath over the fruit to give it that asexual air. He unbuttons his shirt to allow Reichen full view of his rigid, asexual nipples. The champagne is roofied in a just-friends way.

Reichen starts wolfing the champagne and talking about his favorite Reichen in the room. "I feel sorry for myself," he claims. "Do you think... I'm a lovable person without having to support somebody?"

Austin sees that he's fishing for compliments and seizes the moment to agree wholeheartedly.

"I have very fond memories of being with you," Austin says, cozying up with him in bed and making a BJ face. "I guess, hehe, the only problem is that you can't stop looking at other hot guys. Heh."

Reichen stares.

"THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM," he yells back, spitting champagne all over the room like a possessed gargoyle. "Secure people don't mind when I check out other guys! You ass! Just ask Rodiney, my devastated ex!"

Austin scurries to the other side of the bed and his whole body clenches, accidentally squishing the baby's breath hidden in his ass.

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