The Wit & Wisdom of Gossip Girl: Make Me Wanna Die

It took four seasons -- well, three seasons and nine episodes -- but the Gossip Girl creative team finally produced their worst hour of television ever. Well done, Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage! "Witches of Bushwick" was everything a terrible episode of Gossip Girl normally is -- stagnant, convoluted and boring -- but with the added bonus of having the three worst characters come out on top. Yep, if you watch Gossip Girl for Vanessa, Jenny and Juliet, this was the episode for you! Wait, no one watches for them?

That was only part of the problem with "Bushwick." The other part (well, besides everything) was everything. Once again, everyone conveniently forgot that Juliet is an insane person -- though the audience got a nice reminder, since the episode ended with Juliet kidnapping Serena, Misery-style. No one gave Serena the benefit of the doubt, nor did they remember her height and/or chest size -- there was another masquerade ball...don't even bother. And, well, the less said about this the better.

On the other hand, Chuck and Blair finally agreed that they love each other, but because of Angelina Jolie's Oscar, they can't be together. That is true. Let's put this to bed and head to the Wit & Wisdom Index!

"On the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless. Dom or Krug, Winston or Cartier, Tori or Stella. Eventually the people with everything have to choose."

Actually, eventually everyone has to choose. Being indecisive isn't just an affliction of the rich and famous.

Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom...but dumb wisdom.

"Watch out S, looks like Brooklyn finally has a team again. And this time, they brought in a ringer."

Clever of Gossip Girl to reference the Brooklyn Dodgers, but who is the ringer? Does Little J equate to Roy Campanella or Sandy Koufax?

Wit or Wisdom: Wit.

"Attention party people: Bass' black and white has added some fire and ice. Whether you're a saint or a sinner, the afterlife never looked so good."

Gossip Girl would never say "attention party people" because this isn't an early '90s rap song. Otherwise, not bad.

Wit or Wisdom: Wit.

"Looks like the battle between Brooklyn and the Upper East Side has finally come to a head. Word has it Lonely Boy and Golden Boy both declared their love. They gave Cinderena until midnight to decide. That Carolina Herrera dress makes her look like an angel, but this decision is demonic. And the forces of evil are just getting started."

Lots to unpack here. For starters, since when is Nate called "Golden Boy"? Because I've been watching this show for four years and I don't remember that. Also: "Cinderena"? Gossip Girl, we all bow to your genius.

Wit or Wisdom: Wit.

"Looks like saints and sinners aren't the only ones battling for souls tonight. It's no surprise C & B succumbed to the dark side, but how about the boys from opposite sides of the bridge. It's hard to get word when they're both lip locked with Serena van der Woodsen. Luckily I have the pictures to prove it."

Here's the problem with this masquerade ball switcheroo that Juliet and Jenny pulled off: Neither of them look like Serena. At all. How can I put this delicately? Serena is known for her decolletage, and neither Juliet nor Jenny have that decolletage. Are we really supposed to believe that Dan and Nate wouldn't notice this, especially since they have first-hand knowledge? There's also the fact that, um, Serena is like 10 feet taller than both of them.

Wit or Wisdom: Wit.

"In the battle between good and evil, score one for the sinners. Looks like S could end up the next saintly sacrifice. Pleasant dreams sweet angel."

Considering this was said after Juliet drugged Serena and tossed her into a cab, "good and evil" should probably just be "good and clinically insane."

Wit or Wisdom: Crazy.

"That's the thing about destiny: Instead of having too many choices, you soon have none. The prince of darkness finally sees the light, only to realize it's no longer an option, and the time for love has come and gone. The rest of us just have to keep moving forward. Except the choice is out of your hands; it's up to the fates to decide."

Not really, GG; fate can only take you so far. Eventually, though, some crazy trio of harpies will drug you, kidnap you and lock you in an apartment above a bodega.

Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom.

OVERALL: Oofa. What a disaster. For what it's worth, wit came out on top this week, but let's hope when Gossip Girl returns after Thanksgiving that this mess is long forgotten about. Team Serena!