Beartrap Contessa: Does Sarah Palin Have What It Takes to Become a Reality Star?

"So girls," she says to her daughters. "When you cast [your line], don't aim towards the bear."

So she's not exactly Joan Embery yet. I accept her anyway!

"These bears have a nature than humankind can learn from," she continues, just as the bears start wrestling like juiced-up, Greco-Roman frat boys.

OK, remember when I accepted Sarah Palin a few seconds ago? Now I'm on the (15-foot, illegal immigrant-dissuadin') fence.

We watch the beautiful bears punch each other in the face for a second before Sarah observes that she shouldn't sit next to them anymore.

"It could think that we are its lunch instead of those little tiny salmon underfoot!" she says, packing up to leave even though she and the family haven't caught any fish. "But you know what they say, 'A poor day of fishing beats a great day of work.' "

No one has ever said that, but fine. We head back to Palin Manor for a split second and watch teenage daughter Willow mope up the stairs to get dressed while her boyfriend is forced to sit in the living room and wait. Not so thrilling. Let's get back to nature.

For the remainder of the episode (and after a weird interlude where Sarah is interviewed by Bill O'Reilly via satellite), Sarah and Todd flee to Denali National Park, which is larger than the state of New Hampshire and colder than Katie Couric's questions. They board the floatplane but find that conditions are too hazy.

"If Mother Nature decides we're not gonna do it, well, she's in charge," Sarah explains. Mother Nature's pantsuit is in an austere and cloudy gray today, so I don't blame her.

She and Todd wait until the next day to attempt the trek again, but Sarah's got some reservations once they finally hit the mountain.

"Those crevasses," she sputters, "they can just suck you in because you don't see 'em comin'."

It's actually an understatement to say Sarah sounds like Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin sometimes. She sometimes sounds like Judy Tenuta attempting to impersonate Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin. And you know this woman has played an accordion before.

In the episode's last act, Sarah and Todd scale a big mountain while Sarah keeps admitting that she's afraid of heights.

"This is not flippin' easy," Sarah says. That would sound cool coming out of Missy Elliott's mouth, but the only thing Sarah's "working" here is major soccer-mom vernacular.

Nonetheless, the two complete the ascent. Sarah's final appraisal of Todd's skills are kinda-sorta cute.

"He climbed that thing like a mountain goat climbin' up some shell and actin' like it was no big deal."

We've reached the point where I can't actually understand Sarah's accent. "Shell"? Did she mean "shale"? Because she said "deal" like "dill," and I'm trying to convert all the rootsy twang fairly. Maybe I'm not cut out for Sarah Palin's Alaska. My floatplane does not come equipped with a translator.

Will we all return for next week's episode? Speaking for myself, yes. You never know what kind of grizzly metaphor will emerge next, and better yet, you don't know if Willow's boyfriend will win a spinoff series with Jon Gosselin. So for everyone's sake, I forge ahead into this fast, bottomless crevasse. It snuck up on me!

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