Gleebasing: 'Never Been Kissed'

Sometimes a dose of Glee can be so pure that it knocks you to the floor and fills your eyes with tears, while a warm sense of euphoria washes over your body and Will Schuester croons Temptations hits in your ear. And other times, like with last night's "Never Been Kissed," Ryan Murphy cuts his potent recipe with baking powder and bully plotlines and tries to pass it off as authentic. Sure, there are some emotional moments that can be snorted up easier by the suburban kids, but it's an uneven hit that ultimately disappoints and forces you to change dealers. Let's review.

To boost morale for Sectionals, Schue organizes the Second Annual Boys vs. Girls Tournament for his students. "Yeah!" shouts everyone in the class, except for Kurt, who has been depressed recently because of his lack of support structure at McKinley High and one hulking neanderthal haunting the hallways.

In other bully-related plotlines, Puck has weaseled out of juvie by agreeing to "help out a crip" at McKinley High a.k.a. Artie, who chooses to embrace the new community service-motivated friendship. The pair hangs together and does cool things like steal food from the cafeteria, panhandle in the cement courtyard and use their earnings to invite -- and then mistreat -- Santana and Brittany on a date.

Meanwhile, Finn, Sam and ultimately Tina decide that the best way to cool off during a particularly hot make-out session is by thinking of Coach Beiste. When Sue Sylvester catches wind of this -- through Quinn, who was disconcerted to hear Sam utter Beiste's name during a heavy-petting date -- she plots to stir up Mary Kay Letourneau rumors and get Beiste fired. This does not need to happen though because the well-meaning, but naively idiotic Schue tells Beiste that students have been using her as a sex cooler. Heartbroken, Beiste packs her office, quits and then confesses to Schue during an oddly touching sit-down that the reason she took the students' ridicule to heart is because she has never been kissed. Seeing the opportunity for an after-school movie moment, Schue leans in and plants a kiss on the butch football coach. Yes, dear Gleeks, that was not a hallucination. That happened.

Back at the gay ridicule ranch (also known as every American high school), Kurt becomes desperate after another locker slam and infiltrates an all boys prep school. It is perfect. Everyone drinks lattes, wears impeccably tailored uniforms and breaks into spontaneous a cappella renditions of Katy Perry songs. Alas, Kurt's new prep school friend/crush Blaine (Darren Criss) convinces Kurt that he can be strong at McKinley High and refuse to be a victim. Re-inspired, Kurt returns to McKinley High, is promptly thrown into a locker by the hulking neanderthal, follows said caveman into a locker room and demands an apology. And then the hulking neanderthal, in a fit of rage and confusion that he cannot possibly compute, kiss-rapes Kurt, cruelly robbing Kurt of his kiss virginity.

Fortunately, Kurt still has Gay Teenage Dream Blaine to confide in and the pair confront hulking neanderthal in McKinley High's cement prison courtyard. When that backfires, Blaine buys Kurt lunch. And then the guys sing Coach Beiste an apology mash-up and convince her to stay.

And somewhere in that mess, Brittany had the best retort of the night. After Schue tells the New Directions, "We don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water," Brittany responds, "I've done that before."

HIGH NOTES

· Blaine! Finally, an intelligent, complex and sexy gay crush object on network television. A more-evolved Jake Ryan for the deserving and evolved TV audience that tunes into Glee.

· The girls' mash-up of "Start Me Up/Livin' on a Prayer," even though it meant that Glee exhausted its entire leather and hairspray budget allotment of the season within two minutes.

· "I believe I just said that Annie Sullivan. Want me to sign it into your palm?" Sue asks Schue.

LOW NOTES

· The boys' "Stop! In the Name of Love/Free Your Mind" mash-up dedicated to Coach Beiste. If I had been the Coach, I would have rejected their initial apology and demanded a track off of Glee's Greatest Hits album, preferably Journey.

· Was anyone else taken out of the moment when three students on steel drums magically appeared in William McKinley's cement courtyard to accompany Artie and Puck in their Bob Marley panhandling adventure -- a rebellious act that miraculously yielded them $300 in lunch money? Yes? Glad it was not just me. [Editor's Note: No, it wasn't just you!]

· An unacceptable lack of Stamos.

· "The thing about chicks is that you only have to be a fraction of nice to them as you were mean to them to get them back," Puck tells Artie. Which would be fine, if Artie in the end got the girl for refusing to dine and ditch at Bread Stix. Alas, Puck's backwards theories on the female sex landed him two very-willing ladies.

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