Uwe Boll Trailer Battle Royale: Blubberella Vs. Bloodrayne 3

Today marks the release of two trailers for new Uwe Boll films, both involving Nazis and (I think) vampires, and one of which features the first fat female superhero. Yep, might want to call in to work sick and just stay in bed...it's going to be one of those days. In order to spare you two separate posts, and because Dr. Boll loves boxing, let's put both trailers in the ring and have them duke it out in a fight to the death! Join me ringside after the jump. No Pay-Per-View necessary!

Before we begin, it should be noted that pitting these two trailers against each other is a bit like putting two brothers in the ring together. I say this not just because of Boll's unmistakable auteurist touch, but because the sets and actors for both films look exactly the same and I'm reasonably confident that Boll directed both of these films at the same time. Also, the amount of bloodshed here is definitely NSFW.

Blubberella

Blow by Blow: I know, you saw the poster and didn't think it was a real movie. Nonetheless, on the right, we have the first fat female super hero! She attacks Nazis (and possibly Nazi vampires, I couldn't tell) with rolling pins, huge machine guns, and her massive girth. She also wisecracks. A lot. In fact, the title character is a lot like a fat version of Daria who fights Nazis. But in case you get confused, the titles at the end of the trailer clearly identify this as a super hero comedy. Thanks guys!

Sucker Punch: Clint Howard as a Nazi scientist.

Best one-liner: "I didn't see her, but from all accounts it moved like a...slow tornado."

Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Blow by Blow: And on the left, the final installment of Boll's Bloodrayne trilogy! Don't worry, I didn't realize there was a second one either. This one involves a normal-sized female superhero who definitely fights Nazi vampires. Stylistically, it looks like Boll has evolved from making poor-man's Matrix sequels to just ripping off Quentin Tarantino, so there's more arterial spray and less awful CGI. Beyond that, it's classic Boll all the way -- generic heavy metal in the background, cheap explosions for no reason and at least one scene of soft-core erotica.

Sneak Attack: Clint Howard as...a Nazi scientist!? Wha??

Best one-liner: "He's not just a vampire, Rayne! Now he's a vampire with the entire German army behind him!"

The Verdict: Tough fight! But ultimately, Boll is funnier when you're not positive whether he's trying to be funny. The belt goes to Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. TKO! The crowd goes wild!