The A-List: New York Recap: Text Back in Anger

Here's a good time: Derek goes on a date with 37-year-old Roberto, who is 37 years old. That's what we know about him, now and forever. They yuk it up, and Derek invites him to meet his mother aboard a glorious cruise ferry. That should go well, right? Oops, nope. Roberto stands him up. Best of all, Derek gets a last-minute text from Roberto that just says, "Sorry." This Roberto understands us.

"I'm 27 and I come with no baggage!" Derek caws to us. "Why does this happen to me?"

You do come with one small piece of carry-on called a personality disorder, Derek. You refuse to throw it in the overhead.

I don't have much time to sympathize with Derek, so let's move along to the America's Next Top Pilot Pageant. Derek and Mike Ruiz are judges, Rodiney is now not a part of the show, and Austin is relegated to a small cage in the back of the room where passersby can drop saltines and yell pirate insults at him.

"I don't think any of them are attractive," Austin tells us as bits of cracker dribble off his face. The five dudes in the pageant are photogenic enough though, so maybe Austin's not seeing clearly.

Reichen disagrees with giant fat Austin. "No. #2 is excited and young and attractive!" Derek concurs, but let's not bring up opinions of his that seem sensible. It ruins my theory that everything he says is a randomly chosen chinchilla yelp. At any rate, #2 wins. He's going be the biggest jewelry-loving pilot you've ever seen, world. Besides Reichen, I MEAN.

After the show, Austin treats Reichen to a (wait for it) trapeze lesson and tells him to break up with Rodiney. Feeling proud somehow, Reichen goes home and initiates another teary heart-to-heart with Rodiney. Their fight sounds like this:

Rodiney: "I love you is the problem!"

Reichen: "You have overbearing jealousy. You just want to have (groan) sex with me."

Rodiney: "I don't like who this is that we are!"

Reichen: "I've done everything to support you. You just want to have (groan) sex with me all the time. You just want me so much."

Rodiney: "I am feeling so tired of this. I need to move back on to Miami in!"

Reichen: "I bought you clothes."

Rodiney: "[Lamb noises.]"

Reichen: "You know I bought you clothes because I look great wearing clothes and I figured you deserved to know what clothes feel like."

Rodiney: "[Lamb noises.]"

Reichen: "Good. Bye."

And they're broken up! Until next week! Hope you've learned a lot about your relationship with yourself. I know I've gathered a whole bunch of unfortunate infomation -- like that I sort of want to see Austin and Reichen do it next week. I think it's going to happen for us. I swear on my winsomest pilot broach.

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