On DVD: What 9 Awful-Accented Actors Could Learn From Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
There's lots to love about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, out this week on Blu-ray from MGM Home Entertainment. The "Child Catcher" character continues to scar generation after generation generation of kids (including Marilyn Manson, who named his Smells Like Children album after the creepy guy's catchphrase), a handful of catchy ditties by the legendary Sherman Brothers will lodge themselves into your brain, and of course, there's that really cool flying car. (OK, yes, the 1968 special effects probably haven't aged all that well, but they looked good on crappy 1970s TV sets.)
Perhaps the film's wisest move was to have American star Dick Van Dyke speak in his own voice, despite the fact that he's playing a Brit. After all, Van Dyke's insanely thick and ludicrous cockney accent in Mary Poppins just a few years previous instantly became a pop-culture punchline. (As recently as 2003, Empire magazine readers crowned it the second-worst movie accent of all time, behind Sean Connery's Irish brogue in The Untouchables.)
So in salute to the talented Van Dyke knowing when to say when, let's take a look at other performers who weren't so wise:
· The cast of Bram Stoker's Dracula
In a lesser movie, Gary Oldman's slithery Eastern European accent might have raised an eyebrow or two, but even his efforts can't hold a candle to Winona Ryder and especially Keanu Reeves playing two of the big screen's least-convincing British people.
· Julia Roberts in Charlie Wilson's War
Like Reeves and Ryder, Roberts embarrassed herself with her attempt to pass herself off as an Irish maid in the bleak Mary Reilly, but the Georgia native had no excuse for her supposedly Texan twang in this overbearing comedy-drama. As a Southerner herself, she should have an ear for the region's many different accent; the fact that the woman she was playing was still alive -- to be listened to and recorded -- should have helped, as well.
· Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Whereas Van Dyke's non-accent in Chitty Chitty can be forgiven since, among other things, he's playing the lead in a kiddie musical, Costner was portraying a British folk hero, so speaking in a flat Yank voice in the middle of Sherwood Forest made for a particularly oddball choice.
· Ewan McGregor as an American in anything
Bad accents travel both ways across the Atlantic -- Scotsman McGregor is a fine actor, but in films like Amelia and The Men Who Stare at Goats, he proves himself singularly incapable of sounding remotely North American.
· Sam Worthington in Terminator: Salvation
Same thing, only he's Australian. And not half the actor McGregor is.
· Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias and Guy Pearce in Traitor
Getting back to awful Southern accents, these two turns by otherwise capable performers made me want to stuff my ear canals with corn pone.
· Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond
The Academy loves acting it can quantify -- gain or lose 100 pounds, bury your attractive features in unflattering makeup, and they'll sit up and take notice. While DiCaprio gave a much more nuanced performance in that year's The Departed, the Oscar people instead nominated him for his overblown attempt at Afrikaans-inflected English. He gets the pronunciation of "blecks" right, but that's about it.
· Kevin Kline in Paris Match
Is this fine actor's Pepe Le Pew accent a parody of exaggerated French-y talk or merely an example of it? Joo weel heff too dee-side four joseff.
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Comments
I know Roberts was nominated for STEEL MAGNOLIAS because her character died and she was an on the rise ingenue, but her accent was horrible (and kinda GONE WITH THE WINDish gone bad) and by far the worst of the bunch even though she's from freakin' Smyrna.
The late Brion James' Cockney henchman in 1989's Tango & Cash?
You left out a few horrible attempts at accents:
Harrison Ford attempting to sound Russian in K-19.
Sean Connery attempting to sound Russian in Hunt For Red October.
Liam Neeson attempting to sound American or Canadian in anything.
I've actually heard from a couple of South Africans that Leo did a good accent in Blood Diamond; it's pretty much my least favourite accent in the world, though, so I don't have a personal take on it...
An Irish accent has also gotten the better of Brad Pitt (The Devil's Own) and Tom Cruise (Far and Away). And while we're in the UK, Mad Mel's Scottish accent in Braveheart was embarrassing...
...nothing is as embarrassing, though, as watching Mickey Rooney's 'Yellowface' impression in the otherwise very enjoyable Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Andy Garcia as a southern (Southern? Really? Really.) cop in SMOKING ACES.
boring.
Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets. She makes a half-hearted attempt at a New York accent in only half the scenes. Oscar my ass.
You should create a new category for "Failure to Commit to Maintaining an Accent for the Length of a Performance." I would nominate Kim Cattrall for "The Ghost Writer" and Jon Hamm for "The Town."
Sean Connery has to be the all-time winner for terrible accents. In addition to the above-cited roles, Connery also failed to sound remotely convincing in just about every role in which he doesn't play a Scotsman. To wit:
Berber in The Wind and The Lion
French monk in The Name of the Rose
Ancient Greek king in Time Bandits
American Cop in Rising Sun
Spanish swordsman in Highlander
You actually have it wrong with Leo in Blood Diamond. His character was not originally from South Africa, he was from Rhodesia - but moved to SA after the Bush War. So, he was actually trying to portray a Rhodesian accent (not Afrikaans). I have read multiple posts from old Rhodesians that say he did a good job.
This list isn't complete without Nick Nolte's Italian accent in 'Lorenzo's Oil.'
Fantastico!
Liam Neeson trying to sound like a lion in The Chronicles of Narnia.
I can't believe no one has mentioned Steve Martin in The Pink Panther. I mean WHAT was that?
Also, with all due respect, Kevin Kline did a pretty good job overall in the movie, as far as the accent goes.
Rob Morrow's occasional dreadful Boston accent in "Quiz Show" mixed with Ralph Fiennes sometimes upper class American/sometimes Dead End Kids Noo Yawk make that otherwise great movie an accent cringe fest.
Or Al Pacino attempting a "southern" accent in ANYTHING. Worst. Accent. Ever.
Hey, don't forget Jake Gyllenhall's middle eastern Brit accent in the first hour of Prince of Persia. (before he loses the accent altogether)
Not to mention his brogue-ish Russian in "Hunt for Red October".
How is it Nic Cage missed this list? The only thing worse than his lapsed Cajun twang in "Con-Air" was his laugh-fest attempts in "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".