The A-List: New York Recap: Gentlemen Prefer Botox

Next up: Poor Mike Ruiz. The show's only cast member who owns a timeshare in Dignity, Mike is forced to sit with chronically shiny Ryan and listen to a story about how he got an erection while getting a colonic treatment from a female doctor. What an enriching breakthrough in LGBT culture. You, too, struggling gay teens, can get turned on by an anal tube even if a lady administers it. It gets better. No, wait. It doesn't get any better than this.

We arrive at Derek's drag party where Ryan and Rodiney show up... not in drag. "They showed up dressed as guidos!" Derek complains, flouncing about in his cheap-ass Marilyn outfit. "The theme of the party wasn't Jersey Shore!" You're damn right it wasn't, Derek. Otherwise I might like you. Luckily, Reichen shows up late in insane, clownish drag, and Rodiney is puzzled before he's turned on and nibbling at Reichen's body in front of spectators. He's bisexual, you'll recall, and the wash of confusion and interest on his face proves he is not lying. Derek balks because attention is not being paid to him. If I were there, I'd pay him attention and mournfully sing "Candle in the Wind" at his tragic costume.

Hopefully Derek can recover from his stupid party at Fire Island -- except, get this, Reichen ended up inviting Derek's arch-nemesis, Austin, to tag along. Reichen doesn't think there will be a problem because he's been told to say that. Besides, his judgment is cloudy since he might be fired from the play in which he was terrible -- that news is enough to shift anyone's fundamental understanding of the world.

After Rodiney visits the Hamptons with Reichen and tries cheering him up by tickling his abs and somersaulting with him in the grass (not kidding), they move on to Fire Island where Derek, TJ, and Austin are all convening for a final hissyfit blowup.

"TJ shows up," Austin says to us. "He has his bitch wall up. Buzzkill. Kind of like when a female shows up in porn."

Austin handles the tension with Derek respectfully -- by getting naked again, running around near the pool, and flashing his bare ass Derek's direction. Naturally. "Clothes are a mask," Austin claims. OK, you know I kind of like Austin, right? Because he's pretty genius in the dumbest way possible. Derek's sour chinchilla smirk flares up.

"I'm surprised the pool isn't orange since you were in it," Austin says to Derek.

The sour chinch replies, "You're a tiny-d*cked motherf***er."

Austin giggles. "You have spray tan running down your face."

Derek stutters, "I hope you get cancer, you dumb a**hole." He then storms off muttering about how glad he is to have taken the high road. Perfection. I was totally waiting for a Soylent Green moment where all the cast members collectively yell, "Hold on! WE ARE A CANCER." No such luck.

Lastly, Derek ties up the episode with an incredible quote. "I totally think Austin is jealous of me," he begins. (I don't know why he thinks that either.) "He wants to be the talk of the city, and he's not. He's the one who gets naked at the house party. Austin is a loose cannon. I have too much to lose."

God, those two better hook up in the finale with sad Reichen watching through a peephole and frowning. I've come too far in this mess to be rewarded with anything less. Whatever, we've survived. Goodbye Norma Jean, and see you next week.

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