Grey's Anatomy Pain Scale: Seattle Grace Meets The Office

Before we begin charting the pain scale for this week's experimental Grey's Anatomy episode, let's start by remarking on the positive aspects of last night's "These Arms of Mine": It was brave for Shonda Rhimes & Co. to switch from a multi-camera format to a documentary style seven seasons into their medical drama -- even if the shaky, handheld cameras felt jarring, intrusive and was the root of a sixty minute headache. And even with the distracting format -- which was used to capture Seattle Grace exactly six months after last season's shooting -- there were several storylines (Meredith and Cristina's, Dr. Bailey's and Karev's) that still managed to be emotionally rewarding. Now let's proceed to this week's especially traumatizing pain scale.

1. Voice Over Explains That Viewers Are About to See a Documentary Version of Grey's Anatomy

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Slight discomfort and confusion.

Loyal Grey's audience members were greeted with this exposition last night: "Several months ago, a gunman roamed these halls leaving eleven people dead and even more injured. Today, we visit the survivors. Their patients, their disappointments, their triumphs. This is Seattle Medical: Road to Recovery." Wouldn't this single episode format, meant to showcase Seattle Grace's recovery from last season's gunman finale, have been better utilized as the season premiere, rather than a few episodes into the seventh season once we've already seen how Seattle Grace has recovered?

2. Karev Tells a Pediatric Patient to Turn Down Her Music Because the Rest of the Hospital "Does Not Have Bieber Fever"

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 1. Half-cringe.

Had any other character referenced Justin Bieber in the first ten minutes of last night's "Six Months After the Gunman" episode, I would have hurled my custom-printed McSteamy mug full of spiked cider at the television. But since it was Karev, who somehow makes sense as a Top 40-referencing pediatric surgeon, I let the moment pass without shattering any ceramics. (Spoiler: I do shatter my mug against the television before the end of the episode.)

3. Mandy Moore Tells The Camera That She Is Headed Back to Seattle Grace For Her Colostomy Reversal

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 5. Full body cringe. Nausea.

If at any point in 2000 while watching Mandy Moore bop around MTV to her pop single "Candy," you predicted that the baby-faced singer would be excitedly discussing an artificial excretory opening from the colon on ABC a decade later, collect your money now.

4. Karev Plays Justin Bieber For His Emergency Trach Patient

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 0. No pain. This was actually touching.

5. Armless Man Makes Joke About Not Having Arms

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Severe discomfort. Headache.

"I'd cover my face right now," Armless Man joked after his wife reveals that she has to tend to his every bathroom need, "but I don't have any arms!" All the attending surgeons laughed uproariously as I covered my face in shame at home.

6. Mandy Moore Talks About How She and Her Husband Burned Through Their Savings After Her Near Death Experience Because "Life is Short"

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 8. Searing pain in the left temple. Premonition that Mandy Moore's reverse colostomy is going to go terribly wrong.

Grey's Anatomy Rule of Thumb: Any time that a character, about to undergo a minor surgery, discusses how he/she is so excited to have children in the near future and then utter the three fatal words, "life is short," he/she is about to get the actual short life treatment at Seattle Grace.

7. A Double Arm Transplant Is Nearly 86-ed Because of a Small Removable Tattoo

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 9. Horrendous pain.

"Uh oh, this surgery might be off," Callie revealed cryptically as she stared at something hidden from audience view, on her donor's arm. As my mind raced with possibilities that could really prevent this historical surgery -- a sixth finger or a band of swastikas tattooed around the bicep -- my custom McSteamy mug slipped from my hands, shattering on the floor beneath me. After a sad commercial break and informal mug funeral, Callie revealed that the potential roadblock was just a small, cursive forearm tattoo of the name "Nicole." I lost a good custom mug for naught.

8. Avery Kicking Over a Medical Cart After Losing a Patient

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 4. Headache. Stomach cramp.

Come on, Avery. You are a fourth year resident. Get it together.

9. Karev's Trach Montage

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Phantom pains where I imagine my trach is.

Karev lived and breathed for growing Lily's trach. He spent long hours watching over it in the lab, long nights sleeping next to Lily on the parent cot, long minutes banging against a vending machine trying to free a rogue bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. It was mildly humorous but relieving to see Karev care so much about something again.

10. Mandy Moore* Dies

Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 9. Gut-wrenching pain. Sadness. (*And by Mandy Moore, I mean the character she was playing on last night's episode.) Even though I predicted that Mandy's character would not walk away from Seattle Grace last night, her unexpected coma and subsequent death was hard to swallow, mainly because it was so difficult for Dr. Bailey. R.I.P. Candy.