The A-List: New York Recap: Nude Descending an A-List

I hate to break the difficult news, but Logo tried spicing up The A-List: New York with gratuitous nudity last night. Austin wanted to revive his modeling career, so he met a photographer, stripped, held a hat over his junk and waited for the riches to roll in. Also: Derek held a "gay pride event" (cough, cough, tubercular cough) and Reichen cried like a little Reichen into Rodiney. It hurts like Napalm and we have to review it together. Hold tight.

I love how the opening credits of A-List end with the lyric, "You'll never find a boy like me." Because (surprise!) we have met these people before. That's the funny and scathing thing. It's also why this show works, because as each cast member (save Mike Ruiz) believes he's a dazzling pink griffin sent from Gay Venus to teach us about glamor and society and even a few things "A" might stand for, we know we can meet versions of these people working at any Barnes & Noble. It's apparently our little secret.

We begin this week's episode with Austin, who is taking another minute to prove to us he's in love with UK Jake. It's love, OK? There's an ocean between them, and that's how you can tell. While Jake's off on an umbrella ride, Austin turns to us and says, "Our love is real." Jake descends from the sky just in time to tell Austin, "I love you, Boo Boo." Aw. I like to be called by Burger King Kids Club nicknames too.

Meanwhile, livid groundhog Derek is busy planning a "gay pride" party. Let's listen in on his plans to bring self-acceptance, respect, and brotherhood to the fore.

"I want everyone to see me. I want everyone to tell me how great I am. My gay pride party is going to be so fabulous...I don't want it to turn into one of those nasty gay pride parties."

Can I just insert a grim Chekhovian silence after all of Derek's direct quotes? Is that fair to you guys? Do you mind scrolling through them? Because even to comment on that vomit stain of a quote hurts my feelings and kidneys. Where does "gay pride" even factor in here? Can't he just call it a...party? Can't he just...stop it? With his...thoughts?

Wait, silly me, Derek has more to talk about.

"Oh sh*t, I've got to start cutting some people," he clamors, noting that the party venue only houses 120 people. "I want only sexy people. It's pride."

I mean, you have to laugh. I have to. I am going to soon! I know it.

In a drastic moment of manufactured drama, Derek cuts Austin from the guest list because he hates him. He thinks Austin's a liar or something? Or an unclassy, lowdown dirty fat person, if memory serves? That's the one. Following that, Derek decides to meet with Ryan, Reichen, and Rodiney at a spa. Reichen and Ryan share a conversation in one room while Derek and Rodiney discuss existential things in another -- and that way, Reichem and Rodiney can gripe about each other for our enjoyment. It's only right.

Rodiney confides in Derek that he and Reichen are in a rocky place with their relationship, noting, "I have to put this outside, because this is my feelings." That broken English is even glummer than Marianne Faithfull's. Meanwhile, Reichen commences a monologue to Ryan about all of Rodiney's terrible issues.

"I don't like the control he has over my career," he says, meaning nothing. "You know what I've been through. I was ripped apart in the press."

This is going to shock you, but I am a member of the press. I'm being a member of the press right now. As Bill O'Reilly used to say, I'm doin' it live! As a member of the press, I'm going to make a solemn promise that no one in history has devoted more than a half-paragraph to Reichen Lehmkuhl's woes. Perez Hilton may have decorated him with an MS Paint semen stain in 2007. Maybe. Otherwise, he dated Lance Bass? He was on The Amazing Race? He is musclebound? I don't quite recall the enormous, self-image-shattering moment he suffered in the national spotlight. Besides the one we're watching called The A-List: New York. Hehe. Wait. Wait! Is Reichen predicting the press he's getting...right now? What! Is he the first reality star in history to be meta-conceited? OK, fine. He's absolutely right and he may end up foretelling the rest of this recap. Who knows? Besides Reichen, I mean. God!

His Rodiney evisceration continues: "Rodiney needs a lot of attention, a lot of affection. We need to talk to someone, like a professional." I was just thinking they needed more talking. As Ryan pretends to care while getting a facial and Derek declares the couple doomed in the background, the sparkly cumulus cloud that is the The A-List breaks open with acid rain and ruins everyone's complexion.

Ryan says he wants to mentor Austin, who he believes is young and misunderstood. "Everyone's telling me to watch this kid," Ryan says. "He's drama. But he hasn't done anything to me!" Feeling for the obese Austin, Ryan sets him up with a celebrity stylist named Ino who wants to dress him in some outfits and take a few pictures to help restart his modeling career. The event starts out pleasantly enough: Austin tries on a jacket, a cardigan, some Dockers. Then he is suddenly very naked, clutching his junk like a clutch and shaking his ass like Channing Tatum at a Florida Chippendale's. His red-haired bastard friend TJ, who seems to want to schtup Austin at every single moment, clasps his hands over his mouth because he can't believe he's seeing The Great Austin jiggle and pout like a naughty bobblehead from Spencer's Gifts. Ryan can't believe any of this.

"Within fifteen munutes, balls are out and I feel like I'm at a 1980s porn shoot," Ryan says as Austin points at the camera, snickers, and legitimizes that observation fortyfold. Weird. But hey, nudity. That's part of the reason I started watching this, now that you mention it.

Back in the real world, seething woodchuck Derek tries going on a date with that dude he made out with last episode. Turns out he's a very-part-time Ford's modeling person and a full-time retailer at Barney's. That is not what Derek wanted to hear. At all. In this A-List world. But then Derek admits something that makes our lives richer.

"I've been single for, jeez...a long time," he says. "You know, fear of commitment."

AHA! Close! Except that it may have more to do with, like, the staggering self-absorption that I associate with Greek myths and paragraph-length Facebook statuses. "Fear of commitment" is misleading.

And now, a foray into legitimate cuteness: Mike Ruiz's dad is in from Albuquerque and he's hanging out with son in a swank New York apartment. They've grown closer since Mike's mother died, and while they're sitting on a couch and enjoying each other's company, Mike's dad starts crying. Then he tells us in a confessional, "I'd take a bullet for him right now." OK, A-List. You got to be adorable. That's enough.

Phew, here's Reichen and Rodiney making omelets in their underwear and pretending their problems matter. This is what I wanted. Reichen admits that his play, My Big Gay Italian Non-Musical Because The Star Is Not A Singer is being cut from four days a week to three, and Rodiney frowns. Reichen wanted more sympathy. "Sometimes you want someone to get in the trenches with you emotionally, and it really scares me that Rodiney's not there," he says. But Rodiney has gotten into so many hotel swimming pools with him physically, and I think that will make up the difference.

Nonetheless, the two see a counselor, who tells Reichen, "You like helping someone, you have the resources to do it, and then you resent that person." That's code for, "You enjoy the smug satisfaction of providing for a hot lover, but you really love pretending you're such a nice person to do it." Rodiney is justifiably annoyed with Reichen's schedule as of late, since he stays out until 5 AM flirting with dudes.

Wait, pardon me. "I'm not flirting with guys," Reichen claims. "I'm meeting guys. I feel suffocated. Like right now."

Clears that up. After a contentious exchange, the two burst into tears and embrace. They're the only ones who can stand to hear each other attempt full sentences, after all.

Finally, at Derek's gay pride event of shame, Ryan tells Derek that he'd tried to set Austin up with an immigration officer who could help clear Jake to live in the states, except Austin blew off the appointment. "I told you so!" Derek chirps, giddy that he was right about Austin's infuriating youth. But horror of horrors, Austin shows up at the party. He wasn't invited. You remember when Derek specifically uninvited him, right? That's what makes this so crazy.

"I wasn't officially, cordially invited to this party, but until Austin walks through the doors, it's not a party," Austin explains in confessional. Read off the cue cards like a champ.

Of course, Ryan yells at Austin for missing the appointment, then Derek chimes in about how he wasn't invited, and then red-headed bastard TJ starts screaming that Austin "ruined a business connection for him." Oh, and, "I won't have lying!"

Let's all yell at Austin! I hate that Austin ruined my eighth-grade dinner dance by making the DJ play that Vitamin C graduation song. I hate that song and Austin knows it. I wanted a 13-minute "No Scrubs" remix and I wasn't going to be denied. And I won't have lying! You won't either. That's why I'm ending this with a moment of piercing truth: I kind of love this show. It doesn't make a lick of sense, it's all storyboarded to death, and it won't apologize. Sigh.

All right, Rodiney, give me a hug. I'm having a revelatory cry too.