A-List: New York Recap: Prisoner of Tragique-istan

Welcome back to the A-List, where no one is famous but everyone is familiar with the first letter of the alphabet -- and that makes up the difference. This week: Rodiney is sad! Reichen is aloof! Derek is a self-absorbed vulpine princess! And Austin has a secret relationship that he decides to share with the class. "Class" being a hilariously ironic word on this show, always.

We open on a sunny New York day where Austin is riding in a limousine (see: glamor) and picking up someone at the airport. He has a "surprising" confession for us: He's been dating a Brit named Jake for two years and he's in deep love. So, I mean, just forget that business about his crush on Reichen. That was a two-episode arc, see. After Austin and chipper Jake are reunited and the two exchange bland kisses that prove their undying love, Austin spends the rest of the episode "surprising" his castmates with news of his two-year relationship. He must be really good friends with these people if they couldn't figure it out before.

Cut to a lunch scene featuring three of the most depressing people on television: Reichen, Derek, and Ryan. Derek goes on one of his famous monologues about how Austin is a "neanderthal," and if those two homos don't schtup by the season's end, we've all been cheated out of a great time. If A-List were on Bravo, Andy Cohen would demand it. He'd be there for it! He'd make it a live event and have Padma Lakshmi throw confetti at the boinking. Kim Zolciak would gyrate alongside the boinking! Step it up, Logo.

Anyway, back to lunch: Reichen mutters the phrase "Tragique-istan," a pun he certainly did not think of himself, and I can only guess he's talking about Rodiney's country of birth.

Then Ryan, apropos of nothing, comes up with a plan to mentor Austin, who he believes is just a little young and needs counsel. Whatever you say, producer-manipulated reality protagonist. Teach him to be a rodeo clown for all I care.

Derek says he's going to meet with a "millionaire matchmaker," and at this point Andy Cohen is setting fires to Logo HQ. Derek wants a relationship like Ryan has, a parasitic sugar daddy experience ensconced in vanity a long-term relationship. We'll check in on him again once this plan blows up in his face.

After Reichen and Rodiney wake up naked and flexing next to each other in bed and realize they're bored, we drop in on Austin and Ryan. Ryan decides to hook up Austin (who was once a model, remember, and not just Marc Jacobs' forgettable onetime fling) with photographers, stylists, and other people who can pretend to care about his career. When the conversation lulls after about 30 seconds, Austin decides to tell Ryan about Jake. "Shocking!" Ryan declares, his freaky blond hair inanimate with surprise. Feeling free about his for-no-reason-clandestine relationship, Austin goes out in public with Jake and decides to buy swimsuits. This is a triumph of the human spirit. The Chariots of Fire theme blares as Austin tries on a thong.

But those swimsuits turn out to be pointless anyway as Austin insists on skinny-dipping in front of Jake. He notes, "Clothes are a bit of a mask." Close, except clothes are necessary. So, you know, nothing like a mask. You just like attention, I think. Maybe.

Aha, here's an enjoyable interlude: Ryan brings his friend TJ to Reichen's place to criticize the hell out of his apartment's interior design; TJ is evil and thank God for it. "That rug is horrible," he caws, his red hair an astute metaphor for his queeny anger. "This lantern is pointless. Get it out of here." Well, that was fun. Back to this episode's "plot" now.

Since last episode when Mike Ruiz took all those "dirty" photos of Rodiney for his portfolio, Rodiney's feeling prepared enough to go and talk to important fashion-world people. He is mistaken. They tell him he's not high-fashion and that he's not really 5'11". They do tell him that his underwear is kind of cute, but "Just leave, midget" summarizes their feelings, ultimately. And behind Rodiney's back, Reichen's meeting up with Austin to discuss (wait for it) AUSTIN'S SECRET RELATIONSHIP.

Reichen feigns surprise at the stupid news, but what's more important is Austin's new reason for keeping it a secret: "My last relationship was blown way out of proportion in the press." AHAHA! Right, and this phony dalliance with a UK nobody will really set US Weekly on fire. You freak. Never change.

Time to check back in with painfully self-absorbed Derek: Turns out the "millionaire matchmaker" set him up with some guy he already dated before. As we say in the blogging community: LOLZ. And we'll leave it at that. Oh wait, he also makes out with some 37-year-old, too, at a party later on. We know he's 37 because Derek's first question to him is, "How old are you?" His gravitas is off the charts.

And in a fabulous closing act, Rodiney starts voicing -- in a broken, beautiful, verb-tense hodgepodge, that he feels Reichen is getting "cold" with him. "When Reichen has drinks, he flirt with others guys, and hurt my feelings." Oh man. That's almost teen poetry. With a hint of Bjork lyrics. And a touch of Nico. Wait, he goes on: "I'm not feeling really happy... You've been so cold with me. I'm sleeping in bed with a stranger, or a roommate. You so cranky, you so mad." He may have changed accents four times in that very sentence. And I may have changed my mind about how bad this show is, because Reichen concludes the episode by announcing -- with Sidney Poitier-like command -- "I don't like coming home anymore!" They call him Mr. Abs! Oh, Rodiney. Oh, Reichen. One day you'll have a real relationship. But first, you have to have real names.