Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: 'Deja Vu All Over Again'

Another day, another round of grunts and grumbling from The Situation. Last night's Jersey Shore showed us just how fallible he and Pauly D can be with DTF protocol. But who came out with top grades at Movieline's Jersey Shore Academy of Higher Smushing? Let's grade everyone -- from Snooki to Vinny -- with the Fresh-to-Death Report Card.

A+ in Snooki Revitalization for JWOWW: That's two A+'s in a row for JWOWW, who has officially emerged as Jersey Shore's high priestess of ho aptitude. (All hail.) When Schnookerz started bawling because her homegirl Ryder had to leave Miami, JWOWW comforted her with the following Hallmarkian words: "Do you want to go tanning?" The bawling stopped and the sun rose. The light was in sight for Snooki, and it was an awe-inspiring ultraviolet. Beautiful work, Jenni, as always.

A in Clubwear for JWOWW: We'll talk about other cast members in a moment, I swear, but we have more matters of the WOWW to parse. When attending the exotic clubland of Space (how existential!), JWOWW wore what I can only describe as a single square foot of netting with pink fringe. Midriff (and genius) laid bare. To answer the question she posed when first donning this stunning garment ("Love me or hate me?"), the answer is "LAWFVHHH." You're supposed to read that with JWOWW's gravely, tubercular patois.

A- in Pretending Your Girlfriend is DTF Anyway for Vinny: I hate Vinny's girlfriend Ramona. She asked the Situation last week if he was trying to "battle" her at the club. You can't use Jersey Shore lingo like a superfan and then act aloof with Vinny, hater! Anyway, dog-toting pseudo-grenade Ramona reclined in Mr. Gaudagnino's bed at the top of the episode, feigning coyness. Vinny's meek come-on, "Do you need pajamas? Can I be your pajamas?" sounds like a much-cherished Michael Bolton lyric. But it was also better than that -- a sweet way to introduce Ramona to smush/smash culture.

B+ in Family Studies for Snooki: Snooki made a thoughtful remark about our good guido Vinny: "He's like my big brother. Though you usually don't have sex with your big brother." Not until the ratings sag in season four, you mean. Only then will I accept a light smush with Denny "MC Danger Snook" Polizzi.

B in Vocabulary for DJ Pauly D: He said "cuca" when referring to Snooki's cuca. Nice.

B- in Fireman Hospitality for DJ Pauly D: Instead of inviting in the firemen, who arrived at the house when The Situation filled the kitchen with smoke and set off an alarm, Pauly simply yelled, "BUSTED." That's what they deserve. Let them find their own way into Snooki's smoky cuca.

C+ in Sammi Management for Ronnie: What girl doesn't want to hear those six little words, "You look Asian. I like it"? Apparently not Sammi, who stormed out of the manse when Ronnie said just that. "Your ex-girlfriend was Asian, you can't just say that!" she clamored. But he did. And now we all will, once a day to our loved ones. That's my challenge to you.

C in Re-Purposing the Word "Situation" for Vinny: After Le Sitch was abs-hurt after a failed DTF collaboration with a ho, Vinny confessed: "You want a 'situation'? Walk it off, b*tch!" What, pray tell, is the "situation" in that quip? Walking it off? I don't quite understand. And yet I believe it's a point against Sorrentino, somehow.

C- in "Canadia" Geography for The Situation and Pauly: Pauly and Mike tried to make a "Canadia" joke happen after they landed two chicks from north of the border, but it never panned out. And furthermore, those girls were from Grenade-a. Where was Vinny to call that out?

D+ in Vinny's Jokes in General for Vinny: When Vinny and the Situation raced around to locate Le Sitch's towed vehicle, Vinny beamed, "It was like the Guido version of The Amazing Race!" Oversold.

D in Guido Sincerity for The Situation: After The Situation's club hissyfit in the previous episode, he tried apologizing to Snooki with this highly emotional dialogue: "Accept my apology. I had a bad day, dude, I'm sorry." Nothing says, "Accept my apology" quite like the line, "Accept my apology." I should dock Snooki for complying, but aren't we all in the mood to discard Le Sitch right now? Indeed. He looked especially like an upset Koopa Troopa all last night.

D- in Existence for Sammi: Sammi, get off the beanbag chair and get a full time job working the desk at a suburban Miami park district. No one wants to hear you moan about Asian you aren't. How are you even eligible for my precious grades at this point?

F in DTF Courtesy for the Situation: Tsk, Sitch. How can you call yourself a wingman when you ruin Pauly's get-it-in time just because your girl zipped up her boobs and ran off? You're this week's total disgrace. Even Sammi had more of a sense of humor than you this episode, and she was born without two major brain lobes and the all-important "Ronnie deflector" coil in the cerebellum. Hate to say it, Mike, but there's a chance you may be the new Angelina. And the townspeople cried.