Modern Family Family Member of the Week: 'Strangers on a Treadmill'

The set-up: Mitchell hires Claire to tell Cameron not to wear bike shorts. Claire hires Mitchell to tell Phil he's going to make a fool of himself at the SCARB (Southern California Annual Realtors Banquet; duh) because he's unfunny and embarrassing (in a cute way). Fair enough trade! If you're quickly matching Hitchcock allusions, you're not that clever: Mitchell makes the Strangers on a Train reference within the first five minutes. But the winner of this episode's "Family Member of the Week" award may shock you -- he's neither the Robert Walker (Mitchell) nor Farley Granger (Claire) component in this plot.

Family Member of the Week: Phil Dunphy

An episode based on a Hitchcock conceit would usually be satisfactory enough, but "Strangers on a Treadmill" took off after Mitchell and Claire's machinations wore off. Because they both end up being too scared to deflate Phil's confidence, Claire simply steals Phil's index cards before the speech, forcing him to ditch plenty of his favorite one-liners. Lo and behold, Phil's speech kills, even with punny punchlines like, "I'm not saying J.J. McCoven is small, but in the realty section he was described as charming." He leans on the podium like Henny Youngman, dispensing the middling yuks at warp speed. At episode's end, he admits he knew that Claire hid his notes, and the way he tells her, "I love that you're looking out for me" was Modern Family's sweetest moment this season. Big round of applause for our happenin' emcee!

2nd Place: Claire Dunphy

Claire is a dynamo this season, ratcheting up her desperation and angst with the hapless flair of Mary Tyler Moore. "It's probably my fault [that Phil thinks he's funny] because I laugh at all of his jokes...with my mouth," she explains. "Not with my eyes." When her grimace turns into a sly smile during Phil's successful speech, she achieves a beautiful -- and strikingly familial -- moment of realism.

3rd Place: Cameron Pritchett

He delighted us as Fizbo last season, but Cameron adopted another clown's silent pangs last night -- the original, Pagliacci. After Claire told him to lose his bicycle shorts and wear something less, uh, penis-y, Cameron shrugged and sniffled with the emotive presence of opera's great punchinello. When Mitchell seconded Claire's suggestion, he amplified his hilarious defensiveness, tipping over a bowl of fruit for pretty much no good reason. A delicious bronze medal effort.

4th Place: Mitchell Pritchett

So, Cameron spent much of this episode getting defensive. But when he finally goes on the offensive ("I hate your beard") and Cameron responds with a crestfallen murmur, "Wow, you had that bullet in the chamber," his next instinct to go and shave the beard off proved genius: Cameron recanted and the two made up -- but not before Mitchell sheared a fatal patch of cheek scruff. Well done anyway, sir.

5th Place: Haley Dunphy

Making the list for the first time this season: A Dunphy child! While coaching Alex to be popular and forcing her to tell a popular girl on the phone she was "too busy to talk," Alex throws herself on the bed and whines, "That was hard!" Haley's undaunted reply, "If it was easy, everyone would be popular," is her savviest quip yet.

Not listed: Jay (!), Gloria (!!), Manny, J.J. McCoven, Alfred Hitchcock, the sinister vulnerability of Farley Granger.