Gleebasing: 'Happy Days' Are Here...When Sue Sylvester is Here Again

First, Jane Lynch was underutilized during this weekend's Saturday Night Live and then last night the Emmy-winner was M.I.A. from an entire episode of Glee. I understand that Ryan Murphy's show is ensemble-oriented and needs to be adjusted each week to satisfy budget and scheduling constraints, but! Couldn't Sue Sylvester have at least hijacked the P.A. system once to deliver a zinger about the stench of salicylic acid wafting from the New Directions clogged pores? Or something? Let's try to move past our Jane Lynch withdrawal to assess the highs and other lows of last night's episode, "Duets."

In case you have not been paying attention this season, Matthew Morrison has been downgraded from white-rapping series lead to one-dimensional series lead whose sole responsibilities in the course of an episode include assigning a project for the New Directions and counting class votes. And that is how last night's episode began and ended.

Schue, in a sporty Gap vest, scrawled the word "Duet" on the chalkboard and invited his classmates to pair up and duet their hearts out for the grand prize of a dinner at Breadsticks. And as an added bonus, the class welcomed Sam, the maybe-gay character being played by Chord Overstreet. Sam -- whose contract apparently requires at least two shower scenes per episode -- was torn between singing a duet with Kurt, or agreeing with the vaguely homophobic Finn and sharing a duet with a girl. Eventually, after a few discussions about how advances from homosexual men in high school can seem "predatory," Kurt let his big-lipped dove fly free...and into the arms of Quinn. Quinn and Sam made beautiful music together and for now at least, it seems as though he is not gay. But he does color his hair with lemon juice which is apparently even worse of an offense.

Meanwhile, Brittany made out with Santana. Santana dueted with Mercedes. Brittany took Artie's virginity. Artie complained about it. Mike and Tina fought and then threatened to see an Asian couples counselor. Finn and Rachel conspired to sing a horrific song together. Schue zoned out through the whole thing and came to at the very end, just in time to tally votes and award the Breadsticks dinner to Quinn and Sam. But then Quinn made Sam pay for the dinner because she was digging his lemon-streaked locks and "gentlemen always pay on the first date." Now onto the high and lows...

HIGH NOTES

· "He emailed me like 60 mp3s of him singing and I thought he was Faith Hill. The kid's good." -- Sam about Kurt.

· Quinn and Sam's chemistry.

· Kurt's over-the-top self-duet "Le Jazz Hot."

· Kurt and Rachel's "Happy Days Are Here Again"/"Get Happy" duet.

LOW NOTES

· Zero plot for Schue. Remember back in season one when Schue actually had problems, concerns, episodic duties that did not just include handing out free Breadstick dinners and counting votes? Ah, memories.

· No Jane Lynch! Quelle horreur!

· Also: No Jayma Mays. No John Stamos. No Mark Salling. No Iqbal Theba.

· Tina and Mike's continual Asian references: Asian therapy, dim sum dates with Mike's mother, etc.

· Mike Chang's voice.

· Sam's Matthew McConaughey impression.

GLEESARY

Duet -- (n.) According to Brittany, this is a blanket. According to Schue, this is when two voices join to become one. "A great duet is like a great marriage [Editor's Note: a great marriage is something Schue would know nothing about], the voices complement each other and push each other to become better."

Vocal Masturbation -- (n.) According to Santana, this is the act that Kurt commits when he performs a Victor, Victoria duet by himself.

Major Glee Party Foul -- (n.) According to Finn, this is the act of one New Directions member trying to plant an unwelcome kiss on another New Directions member.

POP QUIZ

1. Puck was sent to "juvie" after _____.

a) vandalizing Randy Jackson's car outside of an American Idol audition.

b) deflowering three Vocal Adrenaline members in one night.

c) hotwiring his mom's Volvo and driving to Vegas.

d) driving his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store and driving off with the ATM.

2. Sam refers to which children's book during his introduction to the New Directions?

a) Submarine Sam

b) Sad Sam, Glad Sam

c) Green Eggs and Ham

d) Little Black Sambo

3. Which infamously abusive relationship did Mercedes and Santana pay tribute to last night?

a) Chris Brown and Rihanna

b) Sean Penn and Madonna

c) Phil and Ronnie Spector

d) Ike and Tina Turner

4. Which of the following is not one of Kurt's natural gifts?

a) His voice

b) His ability to spot trends

c) His ability to know when hair color comes from a bottle

d) His ability to mix studs and plaid

5. Sam tells Quinn that her eyes are pretty in what language?

a) Italian

b) Na'vi

c) Klingon

d) Pig Latin

6. Which of the following musical posters was not in Rachel's bedroom?

a) Mamma Mia!

b) Annie

c) Cabaret

d) Grease

ANSWERS: 1) d; 2) c; 3) d 4) d; 5) b; 6) d