The Wit & Wisdom of Gossip Girl: 'Keep It Classy and Somewhat True'

Reason No. 235 why Gossip Girl is one of the most fun shows currently airing on television: last night's episode, "Goodbye, Columbia," got its title from Philip Roth's novella, Goodbye, Columbus. Never mind that the star-crossed lovers from Roth's story have more in common with Dan and Serena circa season one than anything going on in season four; that the Gossip Girl writers' room even had Roth on their collective minds while writing counts as a major win. Well, that and the fact that they flirted with giving Serena an STD.

The big secret pinging around Columbia this week was that Serena van der Woodsen might have an STD. Which, duh. But at least both Gossip Girl (and Gossip Girl) is referencing the fact that the "S" in Serena might stand for "Sleeps with Anyone Who Blinks." The good news? It was all a rumor. The bad news? Serena's brain is apparently so full of holes that she now trusts life-ruiner Juliet. Considering Jules planted the STD story on Gossip Girl and later tried to make it look like Serena wanted to have sex with a professor to get good grades (which, also, duh), this seems like a bad course of action. Just sayin'.

Elsewhere on the UES: Rufus continued to make eyes at Vanessa (which leads me to believe an affair is coming); Vanessa got played by Juliet (which, again, duh) and took a break from Dan; Chuck commented on the way Blair's pie smelled and then partook in some old fashioned parlor games with his former lady love; and the Basshole laid the tracks for the return of Jenny Humphrey. What fun! To the index:

"Morning on the Upper East Side, where even our own blonde birdie has been spotted flying the coop early to make it to her morning classes. Leave it to Serena van der Woodsen to make geek chic. Who knew Ivy would look so good on her?"

For starters, most things look good on Serena because she's played by Blake Lively. But more to the point: How hilarious was it that Serena was always running late when she left her building? I get it: Gossip Girl wanted to have her meet-cute with her future conquest (played by Sam Page, better known as Joan's rape-y husband on Mad Men; yikes Serena), but that Serena never thought to set her alarm even 10 minutes earlier is just perfect. Oh, meanwhile...

Witty or Wise: Witty.

"This just in: Looks like you can take the girl out of the party, but not the party out of the girl. Rumor has it our favorite blonde could be spreading more than just good cheer. And if it's true, then there's a test out there a few of you might not be able to pass. Does SVW have an STD?"

Apologies to the wit and wisdom of Gossip Girl, but "Looks like you can take the girl out of the party, but not the party of of the girl" doesn't really make sense in this case. Bonus points for no references to "double bagging" and for "spreading more than just good cheer," however.

Witty or Wise: Witty.

"Better batten down the hatches B; looks like your island in the storm was just hit by a Bass-5 hurricane."

(Blinking) This simply doesn't make sense. What is a "Bass-5 hurricane"? Wouldn't it have made more sense to go with "Category-5 Bassicane"? I think so.

Witty or Wise: Neither.

"Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen looking like she's hot for teacher. That's the thing about a good gaslight: with enough smoke, who cares if there's really a fire."

Look at Gossip Girl knowing the definition of gaslight! George Cukor would be so proud.

Witty or Wise: Witty.

"Poor V. Didn't she know that in love and war, a friend in need is willing to do most any deed?"

OK, this needs to get discussed a little further. I realize Vanessa is an idiot most of the time, but come on: That she would listen to Juliet, steal Serena's phone and then fall for the old "slip the cell phone in your purse" routine just seems out of character. Maybe Vanessa would have been played like that in season one, but not any more. This is a girl who slept with Chuck. And Nate. And Dan. And Rufus. She knows how this game works as well as anyone else. And don't even get me started on the fact that everyone now automatically believes Juliet over Vanessa, despite the fact that Juliet is a proven crazy. As you can see, this annoyed me.

Witty or Wise: Annoying.

"The law of affinity refers to unlikely compositions forming a bond through a purely chemical reaction. But even the strongest bonds have their limits. And when broken... But if left unchecked, explode like a nuclear bomb. Waiting for the fallout, xoxo Gossip Girl."

I rewound this voice over a dozen times, because I simply refused to believe that Gossip Girl (and Gossip Girl) would allow such a shoddy editing job to appear on television. Apparently I was wrong though, as "and when broken" is still hanging there waiting for the rest of its sentence. No matter, the point is made: If you mess with the bull, you get the horns. For Vanessa, her fate has been sealed (for now); for Serena, the reckoning is coming; and for Blair...well, Chuck is going to force the return of her Achilles heel: Jenny.

Witty or Wise: Wise.

OVERALL: Buoyed by some STD jokes and Vanessa's stupidity, Gossip Girl kept things on the witty end of the spectrum this week, which was a welcome respite from last week's overdose of wisdom. As for Gossip Girl, the show will take a breather next week as it gears up for the return of Jenny Humphrey and her raccoon eye makeup. Good idea, GG; you'll need your strength.