Dancing with the Stars Door Prizes: Flops of Jupiter

Last night's "acoustic" routines on Dancing with the Stars should have been subtitled "Unplugged and Unwatchable." Did you dig Kurt Warner's "Drops of Jupiter" performance? Bristol Palin's stormy "Umbrella" choreography? Man. Instead of breaking down every lame rumba and tango, we're awarding door prizes to three (perhaps dubiously) memorable performances. Who will win Carrie Ann Inaba's super-smiley "Diplomacy" award? Len Goodman's "Victorian Disgrace" anti-trophy? And what about Bruno Tonioli's hormonal affection forever? Click ahead to find out, friends!

Carrie Ann Inaba's "Diplomacy" Award Goes to Bristol Palin

Style: Rumba

Score: 32 (out of 60)

Carrie Ann's "Diplomacy": "Bristol! Hey, girl! I have to say, you create beautiful pictures with your arms and legs so naturally when you dance. Just lovely. Every once in awhile, though, you paint us a Gothic nightmare with your unsightly farmhand squats. But mostly you make great pictures. Lovely stills. Lyrical stills. Wish it was just stills instead of a live-action teenage frump wobbling alongside her creepily naked partner Mark. But hey! You're a nice girl. I like you! Props."

Len Goodman's "Victorian Disgrace" Non-Award Goes to The Situation

Style: Argentine Tango

Score: 29 (out of 60)

Len's Rant: "You Victorian disgrace. When I tell the old boys at Eton about this ghastly tango, the constable will be summoned to throw me off the Segway Badminton court. You filthy umber turtle. Back at boarding school, we were taught to swat at such an improper dance. Swat! With our pasty bare hands. You'll never dance at this University again! Never!"

Bruno Tonioli's Sexy-Sexy-Sex Award Goes to Jennifer Grey

Style: Argentine Tango

Score: 56 (out of 60)

Bruno's Sexy Speech: "Jennifer. There is a reason you're getting the high score of the night, m'girl. It is because within your fantastic technique and style, you make a fine living as a boner architect. Honey-child, I'm sporting! When you flew in the air and came down like a big bag of virgin flesh, I jolted forward like Garfield the cat in a La-Z-Boy accident. I've had the time of my life. And I owe it all to your chewing gum thighs, m'dear."