Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: 'Girls Like That'

Jersey Shore treated us to romance and rumbles last night, making Vinny smushy with affection and Snooki sassy with stankface. But how did our guidos and guidettes fare in terms of Fresh-to-Deathness? Join us for the grades after the jump, and note that one of our students has risen -- almost untouchably -- to the top of her class.

A+ in the Sociology of Sammi for JWOWW: Halfway through the episode we were reminded that Sammi and JWOWW once throttled each other's faces in the kitchen. Remember that? JWOWW pounced on Sammi's perma-frown and Sammi tried countering with groans and blinking. Yes, that. Well, both parties still hold a grudge, and after Sammi tried avoiding JWOWW in the living room, JWOWW grinned to the camera and muttered, "I used to beat up girls like that in high school." That is all the insight you ever needed about Sammi. She's an unconcerned sophomore "Heather" who is actually thinking about hair straightness at all hours. And JWOWW's a riled junior who's thinking about removing her bomber jacket and pummeling Sammi in the lunch line. Where was this necessary chapter in Mean Girls?

A in Marine Biology for Vinny: When the boys brought home live lobsters to cook (How did those turn out, by the way? I'm dubious), Snooki and JWOWW decided to liberate one of the crustaceans by giving it a nice, ahem, bowl of water in which to live. Vinny saw the creature go limp in its new ecosystem and noted to the budding biologists, "They live in saltwater, you idiots." Oh, Vinny G. Always my Summa Cum Lobster.

A- in MVP Sociology for JWOWW: JWOWW is determined to get her BA in sociology today, guys. And she's going to graduate with honors. As Le Sitch, Le DJ, and Le Vincenzo piled into the hot tub and bounced around a beach ball, JWOWW lowered her eyelids, glared from the periphery, and gurgled, "Homosexual." Someone. Finally. Said it. Now: I've always been a mouth-breathing JWOWW extremist, but I turned a dark corner into asthmatic Swimfan obsession last night. Case in point, I just thought of three ways I could be JWOWW, a la Desperately Seeking Susan. All I need is a tan, a preternaturally tired face, and the voice of a tubercular old man. Sign me up.

B+ in Life Without Angelina for the Cast of Jersey Shore: In case anyone doubted that Jersey Shore would run out of things to do without Angeloozah to kick around, you may excuse yourself to the hater gazebo for a timeout. Now that she's gone, the Shore is a skank-free, stank-free atmosphere. Just like any good DARE program would promote.

B in Good Times for Snooki feat. Ryder: Margaritas stuffed with upside-down Coronas? Dancing all alone in a roped-off area of a club? Making drinks out of ice cream, marinara sauce, vodka, and probably a little bit of self-tanner? Snooki knows how to show this Ryder a good time.

B- in Tantrum Sustainability for Snooki: Snooki's little blowup at the Situation near episode's end wasn't quite as vitriolic or lengthy as it could've been. Where was the vengeful lunge? The artful mocking? The Kickboxer roundhouse to his face? As is, we saw Snooki's Brave Little Toaster eyes enlarge while her body stayed unnervingly still. Disappointing.

C+ in Bible Studies for The Situation: The Situation let us know something about the book of Genesis last night: It contains the following verse: "God said there would be a pimp of all pimps, and God said his name would be The Situation." Honestly, Situation, this is improbable, if only because God would know the phrase "pimp of all pimps" is dated in 2010. Hell, even Ludacris knows that. So, although I'd like to buy your copy of the King James, I can't quite subscribe to your old testament.

C in Realizing You Are Not Qualified to Give Advice on Social Propriety for Ronnie: Big stupid Sammi asked Ronnie for advice regarding she should -- uh? -- go out with Snooki and JWOWW. Ronnie didn't respond because he's a coke-torqued baboon who smashes with boardwalk bait. That's worth a passing grade.

C- in Singing a Line from T-Pain's "I'm Sprung" Because You're in Love with a Random Beezy Named Ramona for Vinny: No, Vinny. I elaborate in the next paragraph.

D+ in DTF Code of Honor for Vinny: We keep hearing about how perfect Vinny's new piece Ramona is, but I've yet to see her be more than an aloof, puppy-toting stranger bitchface. She's not DTF, Vinny. She's not even DTPDHD (Down to Put Down Her Dog). She's Ramona from Romania, and that's some made-up spy crap right there. Eject her quickly. Toss her over the fence and onto a Rolls-Royce with a car alarm. Worst of all, she was aware enough of Jersey Shore's history to say to the Situation, "Are we battling right now?" on the dance floor. Nuh-uh, honey. Now you and I are battling.

D in Screen Time for DJ Pauly D: What happened to my man Wario this episode? All he did was caw, "T-shirt time," once, "AW YEAH, CHAMPAGNE, AW YEAH" thrice, and snicker like a Cheech Marin-voiced hyena a couple times. Time to stage a parent-teacher conference with this WG (wayward guido).

D- in Marine Biology for Snooki: Even if Snooki hadn't ruined the lobster's life by dunking it in freshwater, she'd have led it to despair with her idea of a "lobster diet." Quoth Schnookers: "I'm not sure what lobsters eat. Insects or something? I was going to feed him, like, worms." Excuse me, Snooki, but lobsters are not Ronnie. You can't just sub in his diet and pretend you'll have a thriving lobster farm on your hands. You may retake this test as many times as PETA will allow.

F in Tact for The Situation: The Situation hit a new low when he stormed Tantra Bar, smacked the asses of all assed creatures within ass-feel reach, and humped them into the ceiling like a tragic meth-addict version of A Night at the Roxbury. His antisocial behavior's coming to the fore, and I hope a sociological genius like JWOWW can introduce him to some social graces before it's too late. "Social graces" is code here, of course. I just want her to beat him up again.