Let the Writer of Shrek and Aladdin Tell You How to Make Better Porn

It's no secret that the adult-film industry has withstood a long succession of blows (ahem) from the pervy, perennial amateur hour that is the Internet. Far less-known, however, is the man whose vision and taste may yet help restore porn to its rightful place in the cowgirl position of modern culture: Terry Rossio. Yes, that Terry Rossio.

The man who, along with writing partner Ted Elliott, gave us Shrek, Aladdin, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, and numerous other family-friendly mainstream treats recently took to his Web site to discuss porn standards. Not just what's changed in the marketplace, either, but also what kind of aesthetic and narrative advancements adult-film directors should consider at the crossroads between Hollywood and hardcore:

One theory on how to make a genuinely good porn film is to simply do the opposite of every existing porn convention, make the opposite choice from those most common amongst porn films -- yet still show people in sexual situations. Yep, it very well could be that an entire ten billion dollar industry has made every single creative and commercial decision completely wrong. Here's my list:

1. Porn films have bad lighting, making the actors, and everyone else, look bad. So do a sexy erotic movie with excellent lighting. [...]

4. Mainstream films which feature sexuality always emphasize dark elements, such as prostitution, obsession, exploitation, captivity, murder, death. The sex portrayed is always bad or destructive, or features fetishes (voyeurism, bondage, etc.). Do a sexy film without going fetish. [...]

6. Male porn starts are commonly not attractive. Do a sexy movie with very attractive male actors. [...]

9. Porn films don't ever choreograph camera movements or ambitious editing. Do a sexy movie that choreographs actor movement, camera movement, and editing.

10. Porn films never have effective parallel storylines that converge. Do a sexy movie with effective parallel storylines that converge [...]

12. Porn films always star actresses who look like they should star in porn films, never those beautiful genetic celebrity women seen in commercials. Do a sexy movie that stars the very attractive, interesting-looking people seen in commercials, male and female.

13. Men in porn films are always instantly interested and ready for sex. In mainstream films, one character trait that makes male (and female) characters sexy is that they are restrained, resist temptation, or even unattainable. Do a porn film which resolves this conflict and features both attributes.

14. Porn films are never naturalistic (other than reality porn) and don't feature naturalistic movement or performances; they are 'mechanical' in style. Do a porn film that is naturalistic. [...]

17. In porn films the actors are never shy, or hesitant, or insecure, believable, or normal in any way. Do a sexy movie where the characters are actually believable, even if they are extreme. [...]

21. Porn films commonly do not emphasize desire. Do a porn film that builds desire, features hot foreplay scenes.

22. Porn films generally don't appeal to women. Do a porn film that appeals to women.

23. Porn films do not feature dance, or interesting choreography. Do a porn film that features dance and choreography.

This last one is my favorite, if only I'm going to make an absolute killing with my porn-producing debut Rawdog Millionaire. Who's in?

· The Porn Thread [Wordplay]