A-List: New York Recap: Society Gays

I said that Logo's "gay housewives" reality series The A-List: New York would be a hilarious smash! I said it would introduce six eminently watchable New York gay dudes! And be a fancy-free romp of Big Apple proportions! Well, I was wrong! It was a little dull! But a little funny too! Let's review the mockable new show's debut episode, meet the six new gays, and hide from all the exclamation points on this page.

Things get off to a dubious start when one of the housegays (Mike Ruiz, I think?) notes, "The great thing about being gay in New York City is it's not different than being straight in New York City." OK, I've never lived in New York City, but I don't think that's all the way true. It's bad news that I'm disagreeing this early on, particularly when Mike Ruiz is the sanest member of the troop, but come now. It's probably more ideal to be gay in New York than, say, Lubbock, of course, but to say gay and straight people are treated equally anywhere in America is weird-ish. However, the episode's lowest moments of "observation" are yet to come, so I'll turn my whining down to a low bleat. For now.

Let's move on to Reichen Lehmkuhl, the Lance Bass ex/Amazing Race winner/actor/jewelry designer/perhaps a person. He's at a meeting to discuss jewelry designs and he comes out with this a-ha! moment: "I'm a pilot, so we could market to the pilot community." First of all, please direct me to the pilot community. Is it gated? Who is the mayor? Is there a skate park? And second, isn't it a little presumptuous for Reichen to think consumers would know him as... a superstar pilot? I'm confused. But wait, here's Reichen to explain just how "A-List" he is: "I'm A-List because for me 'A' stands for 'accomplishment.'" Oh, of course. Now that Reichen mentions it, I'm A-List too, because for me "A" stands for "Animaniacs DVD owner." See you all at the Waldorf.

But back to Mike Ruiz. He's photographing the famously fired co-host of Bravo's The Fashion Show, Kelly Rowland, and she's wearing lion fur. The bootyliciousness of this exercise is questionable. OK, enough with Mike.

Ryan, a blond, vest-loving homo who owns a salon, blathers on about his husband Desmond. Funny enough, "Desmond" sounds like "dadsband," which is a hybrid word I just made up combining "sugar daddy" and "husband." -- and that's what Desmond is! Thanks, the joy of words. Ryan has this to say about his life with Dadsband. "He's definitely my Mr. Big. I don't know if I'm Carrie Bradshaw though, but he's definitely my Mr. Big...we're going to have Seal/Heidi Klum babies!" Allow me to be Miranda Hobbes here and cast some STFU eyes upon the proceedings. Also, that Seal/Heidi Klum quote is code for, "I have a black husband!" in case you missed it.

Next up, onetime model Austin tells us about his glory days. "I was a high fashion model. I happened to meet some very fantastic people." Unfortunately he gained about seven pounds, and now his acquaintances are calling him "overweight" and "fat," so far. We watch Austin (who reveals he used to date Marc Jacobs) sit at lunch with his friend Kevin who opines about Austin's modeling career of yore. "You've been to Japan! You've been to Israel! You've been to Okinawa!" Secret: Two of those are the same thing. After Kevin calls him fat again, Austin says, "I carry the confidence, and that is so sexy." Nothing says "confidence" like actually saying you have confidence. Except, of course, not needing to say you have confidence.

But WAIT UNTIL YOU MEET DEREK. Derek, a vulpine twerp whose fake-and-bake complexion falls somewhere between "topaz" and "adobe," introduces himself this way: "I live in Chelsea and I have a fabulous life. I'm best friends with Lindsay Lohan... Seann William Scott is a close friend of mine." Truly, he's on top of the world. Then we watch him and his 94-pound frame enjoy a lengthy spray tan. He is now 97 pounds. Derek brings up that Reichen's starring in a low-rent stage version of My Big Gay Italian Wedding, which is strange, because Reichen was never an actor before. He was always busy designing pilot jewelry and getting *NSTANK with Lance Bass -- but never acting. Derek giggles at how stupid Reichen might look. How hilarious, I am giggling also. To conceal my annoyance at those who giggle.

Reichen admits to us he's nervous about his debut performance, but he's got his trusty new boyfriend Rodiney around, thank God. Rodiney is hot and Brazilian and a model of some sort. He will administer the forgiveness sex after Reichen blows it on stage. He'll also badger Reichen for help in starting a New York modeling career, one he doesn't have yet. That's love. But before we can bear witness to that groveling, Reichen is told by a producer that two of the songs have been cut from his show -- because Reichen cannot sing. OK, who hired Reichen for a musical if he can't sing? Were they planning to make money by banking on his pilot fame? Jesus, everyone is.

Finally, at the debut performance, we see Ryan caw that he got bad seats. Also, for some reason, Austin sniffs Rodiney. No comment on that desperation. After the performance, Reichen reads reviews of his show and discovers that critics noticed how well he handles shirtlessness, but not talent. That is a bummer. We may have television's most disgruntled pilot since Jake Pavelka on our hands. In the closing shot, we notice Reichen abruptly stop making out with his boyfriend to take a call from Austin, who is also his ex. And that, gents and gents, is The A-List: New York. Um. Yep. That's it. Not exactly edifying, but what is?

Better question: Who needs a shower?