Project Runway Recap: What a Pillbox

The designers wave goodbye to Tim, who turns around at the last moment.

"Oh, and one more thing, freaks," he says with perfect elocution. "You need to design a piece of outerwear for this look. I'm serious. Put on your Mood boots. I don't care if you already designed a coat, Valerie. Jackie doesn't care either."

This was puzzling. The challenge is to create sportswear, a concept that already encompasses coats and sweaters and so forth, and now they're being asked to add something on top? I declare the challenge unfair. I also declare myself a fashion expert, for the hell of it.

You know the drill. They head back to Mood and get stressed out and Michael Costello forgets how to sew. To the final runway! January Jones is the guest judge, and since she wears 1960s dresses on a popular cable television series, she is a leading fashion authority. She's heading to the Learning Annex after this to teach a seminar on making hemlines an extension of your lifeline. Let's break down the final designs that mattered.

· The judges hate Valerie. Heidi squawks inquisitively like Miss Marple: "Is that a jacket over a jacket?" Yeah, Heidi, you made her do that, remember? January Jones is confused by the ankle boot Valerie picked, and Nina Garcia thinks her "zippers and seams" shtick is a thing of embarrassment.

· Christopher made a conventional silver dress with a stuffed animal carcass for a shrug. Heidi calls it a dirty old rug and "unreadable" (?), but January declares the gown her favorite one on the runway. And that's why Don Draper cheated on you, honey.

· Michael Drummond paired a cropped Chanel-type jacket with a nimbus cloud of a gray pleated skirt. Michael Kors calls it "old lady on top, cheerleader on the bottom." January Jones bleats, "Sloppy!" out of turn and the producers restrain her just out of frame.

· Mondo killed it -- a perfect black-and-white-striped tee with that magenta-print skirt and a cute jacket. Because the judges like it a lot, they move onto another garment they can scratch and sneer at like upset hyenas.

· Andy makes what I can only describe as a harem pant spewing mushroom clouds. There's a bolero jacket too, for the hell of it. Michael Kors concurs: "Did I miss someting? Are you a grand couturier? This is MC Hammer meets the Beverly Hillbillies grandmother." And Ms. Irene Ryan is not even alive to defend herself! U can't touch her, Kors!

· Ivy made a tolerable, if quite old-fashioned Katharine Hepburn slack with an airy white top and light coat. January Jones loves the twisted tuxedo pant, because she heard someone else on the panel say "twisted tuxedo pant" and that really changed her.

Ultimately, Mondo wins, and our sissily twee and hilarious Michael Drummond is eliminated. I am upset, but I am also not an idiot. As Tim Gunn notes during the final moments, Drummond's commitment to his horrible skirt was his "waterloo." It's the saddest waterloo-tinged ending I've seen since Mamma Mia. That's saying something.

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