How to Talk Masturbation with Your Kids: A Guide From CBS, Mad Men and Movieline
Slllooowwww clap for CBS News, which today capitalized on Sunday's controversial Mad Men episode in a most inspired and... well, godawful fashion. "What Can Mad Men Teach Parents About Childhood Masturbation?" reads an actual headline on a story posted today, followed by nuggets of professional wisdom to help vexed parents who've apparently never masturbated themselves get over the, er, hump. Let's break it down scientifically -- and through the application of Mad Men's own child-rearing practices:
DO understand that "'Little children start to masturbate very early,' says Angela Wilder, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist and the mother of two daughters. 'As young as two or three, parents can see their children massaging their genitals.'"
DON'T automatically suspect their father's rotating cast of bachelor-pad strumpets.
DO "avoid shaming the child for natural behavior."
DON'T confront the child and exasperatedly blurt, "What's wrong with you?"
DO teach "children early on that their bodies are their own to touch, it enables them to better distinguish a 'good touch' from an unwanted 'bad touch.'"
DON'T threaten to cut their fingers off.
DO attempt to explain, "This is kind of awkward for me, but I feel like we need to talk about what happened."
DON'T grip your child's chin and rant, "You don't do those those things in private and you especially don't do them in public!"
DO attempt to wear your most patient, thoughtful and inviting face, like so:
DON'T wear the face of a ladies-prison warden roused from bed by a misbehaving inmate. To wit:
Any questions? Next week: How to deal with your colleagues' racist workplace outbursts.
· What Can Mad Men Teach Parents About Childhood Masturbation? [CBS via The Awl]
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Comments
I told my younger brother that if he did it in the shower or the toilet, female alligators that live in the sewers would get pregnant and have his babies then have them crawl back up the pipes to find him.
(He's in jail now though so maybe that was bad counsel.)
So was my taking a sip of my drink as I read your comment.
So.... would they be human babies or halflings? I may start dropping my baby goo down the toilet if I'm promised a half gater-human will come of the union.
I'm optioning that for my next SyFy movie.
Personally, who wouldn't masturbate to the image of Ilya Kuryakin? Holy Jeebus, that guy rocked. Still kinda' does!
I knew it was foolish to post.
Corman would have let me direct back in the day.
1. They're tiny "Balligators" who grow into human size/look when exposed to oxygen.
2. When they come up out of the bowl they bite your arse with razor-sharp fangs, then move on to devour your intestines.
3. They don't do well in pre-school.
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