True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: Grim Fairy Tales

· Oh no, a Jesus/Lafayette V vision. They're basically riding Thunder Mountain Railroad, but high. Wow, this is going on a really long time. They find out that their families were both into crazy mystical arts, because this is the big family tree episode, apparently. Does anyone remember how in the season premiere, scenes were about 10 seconds long, max? Interesting that we have approximately forty-five minutes to spend on V hallucinations now. (Violence: +2, Sex: +2)

· Arlene confesses to Terry that she's carrying Rene's baby, but Terry resolves to raise it. Arlene is so much like Jessica, really -- they're both neurotic and occasionally violent, yet they have dunderheaded hunks who love them unconditionally. It would be a romantic moment if Arlene's terrified eyes weren't blinking, "ABORTION ABORTION ABORTION." (Sex: +1)

· Jason finally tells Sookie that he shot Eggs, and somehow, the show resists another opportunity for post-production bullet hole effects. (Violence: -3)

· Turned on by Eric's grad student nihilism, Sookie has a dream about him where they make out and get bitey. (Violence: +1, Sex: +3)

· Jason and Tara finally have a significant scene together, and they are so cute with each other. Make this happen! They kiss. Oh, it's on! Make ouuuuut. Yessss. Do eeeet. (I am a twelve-year-old girl.) Don't f**k this up with THE TRUTH, Jason. Dammit, Jason admits that he shot Eggs. Give Tara ONE EPISODE to not be crazy, Jason. (Sex: +5)

· Back at her house, Jessica is being hate crimed. Bill waltzes into the scene (dude is getting around) and tells her to restrain herself from revenge. "It's entirely possible that by the next episode, the writers will table this anti-vampire stuff subplot completely," he says in a soothing tone of voice. "Just wait it out." (Violence: +3)

· Sam keeps flashbacking. Hi, naked Sam. (Redundant?) He gets money from the dude whose gal he slept with, then asks for his pants. It is just startling that the show resisted the opportunity for Sam to also ask for the guy's underwear, thereby skinning yet another day player. Sam fights the guy, his mystery lady shoots at Sam, and then Sam shoots her and the guy. I'm not sure why any of this happened. "Don't you f**king die on me," Sam moans to the girl he shot. Sam thinks he is in a movie. (Violence: +10, Sex: +5)

· Whoa: Eric is maybe wearing a second shirt? Sookie comes into Fangtasia and he whines until they kiss passionately. She's kind of into it. "OK, I get it, I'm irresistible," Sookie says. Nobody delivers hilarious meta lines better than Anna Paquin. Then Pam comes down and summons Eric by muttering, "Blah blah vampire emergency blah." Damn, I take that back: Nobody does those lines better than Kristin Bauer. (Sex: +3, New Shirt: +10)

· Navid from 90210 is suddenly on True Blood, showing off his torso and ability to grow facial hair. The long-absent Russell comes up to him, lights his cigarette, and asks, "So, this stubble. Are you kinda going for 'Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'?" (Sex: +2)

· Hoyt professes his love to Jessica, but she cant return it. Sad fawn Hoyt leaves and smacks Tommy, but then Tommy morphine into a pit bull (like that analogy he told us about!) and attacks, forcing Jess to intercede and administer some of her own blood to Hoyt. (Violence: +9)

· Bill goes looking for Sookie (shouldn't he have just followed her out of the woods from before?) and shoves Jason into a wall. Pissed, Jason rescinds his invitation and Bill floats away, but that's not all: there is also a crazy were-panther in the house who morphs into Crystal. Crystal, we're done with you now. Team Tara! (Violence: +2)

· Denis O'Hare finally get his post-coital scene as Russell cuddles with his scruffy hustler, then talks to him like he's Talbot. In fact, he's so caught up with his Talbot reverie that he stakes the guy as a sort of tribute to his fallen lover. I mean, Talbot was kind of obnoxious from what we saw, but I guess we'll just have to assume that there was more to him than home decoration and a dislike of black people that stemmed from them clashing with his wallpaper. Poor Russell, kind of. (Violence: +10, Sex: +5)

· Eric grabs Sookie and chains her up in the basement. Use your fairy fireball, Sook! Sadly, she forgets to move the joystick in a quarter circle and hit a punch button in time. (Violence: +2)

FINAL TALLY: Violence edged out Sex, 54 to 44. Alas, though Alexander Skarsgard's two costume changes rated highly, the New Shirt meter eventually stalled out. (We would also have accepted No Shirt, for future reference.)

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