True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: Grim Fairy Tales

It's Backstory Download Time on True Blood! Want to know what Sookie really is? What about Crystal, or Jesus? How about something Sam was doing in 2003 -- want to see that? It's an expositional smorgasbord, and we've got it tallied for sex and violence.

· "I'm a fairy? How f**king lame," Sookie whines at the very top of the episode. I've got to hand it to True Blood -- any other genre show would have made that reveal the last line of an episode, but here, you never know what you're going to get in a cold open. Bill shares his Claudine drinking-in-the-middle-of-the-day dream. Sookie wants to know if there was a pond in his dream, because, you know, apparently there are so many other fairy commune hallucinations going around right now and he'd better be specific. "Yessss there was a pond," says Bill, "and I dove into it after our marrrrriage." Or something. But Sookie had better watch out, because vampires love to kill fairies! Well, who don't they love to kill? (Violence: +1)

· Post-Franklin aftermath! As Jason and Tara debate what to do with the pieces, Jason briefly flashes back to shooting Eggs and killing Stephen Root. He really does do one of these each season! Tara moves all the Franklin pieces all over the place like he's a sliding block puzzle, then kicks dirt onto his remains and spits on them. (Violence: +3)

· Lafayette and Jesus are attending to Crystal's bloody dad as Crystal screams at them. Man, Lafayette has had to put up with a lot of crazy women this season. Come back, Alfre! All is forgiven. (Violence: +2)

· Sam pours alcohol on his bloody hand, which immediately forces him to flash back to 2003. At least, that's what the chyron says, although I'm pretty sure they just switched in a Sawyer flashback from the first season of Lost. Sam stole jewelry or something with some lady he makes out with (Sex: +2), and that lady has a husband who pistol-whips him (Violence: +2). Looooong con! This is a whole lot of very sudden backstory, so I guess they figured out that Sam wasn't doing so much. Then again, he's still not doing much, just thinking about the last time he had an interesting plotline (2003!).

· Bill and Sookie are still having their Wikipedia conversation about fairies. "According to legend, fairy blood is delectable and intoxicating to vampires," says Bill. DELICIOUS LINE. The writers room really needs a webcam. (+5 points all around)

· At Fangtasia, Eric is making out his will and leaving almost everything to Pam, but who cares, because ERIC IS IN A NEW SHIRT EVERYONE! Yvetta the Playboy covergirl signs the will. She is boobulous, yet jealous of Pam's bounty. Eric yells at her in subtitles, and we learn that "You gold-digging whore!" is the same in any language. (Sex: +3, New Shirt: +10)

· Lafayette gives Crystal's dad some V while Crystal whines a lot. Shush, Crystal! Bad Dad regenerates and slaps her because Lafayette is gay. Hey, why not. A pressing question: Why is Crystal dressed in a white tee and blue dress shirt like Jerry Seinfeld circa 1992? Is she in sneakers too? Give us a wide shot! (Violence: +3)

· Out in the woods, Eric tells Bill that he knows what Sookie is, and they talk about her magic blood, which is DELECTABLE. Sookie appears and she is so tired of these vampires! Especially Eric. You can practically see Sookie cross her fairy legs to him, but Eric is then so fatalistic in such a swoony way that she scissors unconsciously. (Sex: +1)

· At Merlotte's, Arlene watches Steve Newlin on TV (hi, Steve!) while Tommy and Jessica clean. Arlene's anti-vamp prejudices come to the fore, and Jess slams Arlene against the wall and insults her dye job. (I just talked to Carrie Preston about that kooky hair color -- watch for that later this week.) Jess is embarrassed that she overreacted, but Tommy says it gave him wood. Ew, Tommy! (Violence: +2, Sex: +1)

· Hoyt and Summer. "I can tell you're a sexual person, Hoyt Fortenberry," says Summer, revealing some cleavage. Hoyt closes his eyes and thinks of...well, what do we imagine it looks like in Hoyt's brain? I'm picturing something cute and mournful, like Peregrine's dead fawns from the Work of Art finale. (Sex: +2)

· Sookie is just going to hide out with Jason for a while, and as leaves, Bill kisses her. Tara and Jason do not approve, but just wait, guys: You'll get your own makeup later. (Sex: +1)

· Suddenly, after several episodes of guilt-tripping Lafayette for being a drug dealer, Jesus is super into V. In fact, he wants to do V with Lafayette, and they do a little bit of thumb-licking. It's mildly sexy. (Sex: +2)

· Holly gives Sam some herbs for his testosterone problem. I don't think we need to up Sam's estrogen levels any -- dude's top shelf is already pretty stacked. By the way, Tommy still wants to bang Sam, and it's weird. He will romance one of the series regulars no matter what! (Sex: +1)

MIDWAY POINT: Sex and Violence are tied, with 18 points each! (Still, don't count out the point value for Eric's New Shirt -- it's a dark horse contender, with a score of 10.)

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