Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: 'Breaking Up'

'Breaking Up,' the name of this week's Jersey Shore episode, is easy to do -- or at least easier when Ronnie's calling you a bitch and getting humpity with barn animals at every club in Miami. But of course, Sammi's still in the dark about Ronnie's devious actions, which makes this week's Fresh-to-Death Report Card a real study in class and morals (as always, I mean). Grades are posted after the jump!

A+ in Pig Antics for Ronnie: This is an A+ you don't want to receive, sir. Ronnie's Sammi-scamming, grenade-groping, and 24-hour bender of a life all came to a head last episode, culminating in what JWOWW once called, "the definition of a true pig." It sounds like an Animal Farm metaphor, but this time, the squealers will be Snooki and JWOWW. Keep on sprinting into the bedroom wall, Ronnie. You deserve it.

A in "Putting Sexy Clothes On and Being F*cking Dumbasses" for Snooki and JWOWW: Their words, not mine! Before embarking on a "bowl of questions" game in the living room with the other brown-green humanoids, Snooki and JWOWW decided to "put sexy clothes on" for the hell of it. Angelina tried to do the same, wearing what looked like a black plastic bag from Circuit City, or, as Pauly D put it, "Your luggage from last year." Meanwhile, the other girls looked hot, comely, and a little grotesque, just like we wanted. Someone give them a TNT crime serial called Snooks and WOWW.

A- in Updating Lily Tomlin's Ernestine Act for JWOWW: JWOWW picked up the phone when Snooki's horrible boyfriend Emilio called, and first she greeted him with the traditional opener "I'm going to fly out there and kill you." But when he called back and JWOWW pretended to be a snooty voicemail? Her nasal voice was a page out of Ernestine's book of sass. If only JWOWW had hung up on him while declaring, "There goes Peoria." Shucks. There's always next episode. And the next.

B+ in Sexuality Studies for Snooki: After an arduous battle with her boyfriend Emilio, Snooki told us, "That's why the rate of lesbians is going up in this country." And she's right. Just look at any "Rate of Lesbians" chart. It's all there.

B in "Best Boyfriend Ever" for Snooki's BF Emilio: Excuse me, this regular mensch phoned Snooki and started the conversation with the already-immortal line, "I f*cked this girl tonight, I'm sorry." You know you want to merge bank accounts with that. Incredible.

B- in Farting on Snooki for Angelina: Angelina's best moment all season occurred on accident as she and the girls walked back from dinner, and we wouldn't have even known about it had Snooki not yelled, "One of you just farted." Anyway. Well done, everyone.

C+ in Namedropping Old MTV Shows for The Situation: Le Sitch ended his confessional about Ronnie's Sammi-dogging ways with the bon mot, "Pretty much, Sam, you're gettin' punk'd." Oh, no no, Sitch. That's a verboten word, even in your trucker-hatted world. If you insist on a shout-out to MTV's halcyon days, couldn't you have muttered "Wubba, wubba, wubba" as you motorboated a hippo?

C in Trying to be The Situation for Vinny: From the beginning of the season, I worried that Vinny was trying to build a Situation-like affinity for catchphrases. Last night, he tried hard with the quip, "I don't want girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for d*ck." Eh? It kind of worked out. Some of us have studied for d*ck with the intensity of a seminarian, Vinny. At least he wasn't mixing up Einstein and Newton and pretending I'd be cool with it again.

C- in Being on the Show for DJ Pauly D: Uh, where was he last night?

D+ in Trying to be The Situation for The Situation: So, Mike hit us with this reminder: "You need to be on your tiptop game with your GTL to stay FED to get the girls to DTF in MIA. Say that five times." First of all: GTL is over. Second of all: I must've missed when FED and DTF were introduced to the OGD (Oxford Guido Dictionary). And third: MIA is still not an abbreviation for Miami. You're failing at being yourself, sir! Keep It Simple, Situation! (KISS.)

D- in Anonymous Letter Writing for Snooki and JWOWW: Their cautionary letter to Sammi -- a fail-safe idea to begin with -- included such epistolary treats as, "HE PUT HIS HEAD IN BETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESSES BREASTS," and "ALSO WAS GRINDING WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN." Right, because DJ Pauly D might've written either of those sentences. Your hearts were in the right place, ladies, but your anonymity was... nonexistent.

F in Test-Taking Skills for Ronnie: Here's another winning soundbite from doo-doo Ron-Ron: "I don't like tests, that's why I didn't go to college. Don't test me. Because I will fail a majority of the time." And today, that's just what happened. See you next semester, sir.

In review:

Head of the Class: JWOWW

Flunking Out: Ronnie

Beverly Cleary Book I Thought About When JWOWW and Snooki Wrote The Letter: Dear Mr. Henshaw