True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: Network News Lacks Backbone

· Bill hallucinates that somehow, he's found his way into Sookie's magic drunk-dancing commune. Damn, and this episode was going so well. He chases down Claudine and then maybe tries to bite her (you never learn, Bill Compton!), and she fling-lights him across the garden-cemetery. Where are all the other mysterious dancing sprites? Hung over? (Violence: +2)

· Sookie meets Hadley and her nephew at the local aquarium, which looks more like an underlit McDonalds with a fish tank in it. Sookie finds out that her nephew shares her mind-reading mystery origins, and a nervous Hadley wrenches the poor kid's arm trying to get him out of there. (Violence: +1)

· Arlene is so mad at Tommy! They just have no luck hiring at Merlotte's, between the regulars who disappear for episodes a time, the waitresses who are hired to take their tops off and then die, and the numerous supporting characters who are given jobs at Merlotte's when their main plot runs out. Tommy puts a few more quarters in Sam's rage-ometer, while in the back room, Holly and Arlene have an abortion talk that is almost startling for how it doesn't wink at the audience or make fun of any of the characters. More of this, True Blood! (Violence: +1)

· At Fangtasia, Eric is so tired, he's bleeding up a storm. Even the sight of Pam waking up from her Delorean coffin cannot cheer him from his coke nosebleeds. (Violence: +2)

· Finally, we get a Jessica scene, and as you all know by now, post-midpoint Jessica is a point reduction across the board (Sex: -5, Violence: -5). At least she gets a good scene: While meeting Summer, Jessica fangs out, but it's all good, because Hoyt isn't much of a Summer fan, either. Jessica starts blood-crying and Tommy intercedes. (Violence: +1)

· Russell has fled his mansion with an elaborate urn filled with Talbot's viscera, and I must confess that when he first pulled it from his coat, I thought it was just an enormous container of red vines. Alas! Inside Fangtasia, Nan disavows her interview with Eric but sics him on Russell. (Violence: +2)

· At Merlotte's, Jason tangles with Crystal's...father? OK, we're going with "father." He calls Sam a pussy and and Sam goes ballistic and barfights him. Rage-ometer overload! Basically, everyone in the bar just stands by because they know this episode needed a fight. Tommy is impressed, and may even have a boner. Tommy, you need to stop looking at your brother like that. (Violence: +5, Sex: +1)

· Apparently, Jesus is going to take Crystal's bloody beaten father to the ER? "He's my daddy and he's the only one I got," moans Crystal. I mean, aren't they both 30? But then, this is the south. (Violence: +2)

· FRANKLIN!!!!!!! He grabs Tara and they have a great scene. I missed non-joke Franklin; I mean, I appreciate True Blood's tendency to not take itself too seriously, but these actors deserve a straight-ahead scene now and then. Jason pulls a gun and fires a wooden bullet at Franklin, and his viscera explodes everywhere. Well, I guess he's really dead now. Tara disappoints me by not scooping any Franklin into a Merlotte's ashtray to monologue with in the next episode. (Violence: +9)

· Nan is having lesbian fun-times in her limo, and why not? After all, the more conniving a vampire is on this show, the more likely he or she will be to knock boots with the same sex -- it's just a shame that Lorena was killed before we could meet Bettina, the college friend who would sometimes dirty-dance with her to make Bill jealous. (Sex: +8)

· On the vampire version of CNN, Russell kills an anchor on air and starts monologuing about the dangerous vampire threat while holding the anchor's spinal cord. Russell is so The Mayor on Buffy. "We will eat you after we eat your children," he says deliciously. Hide your kids, hide your wife! (Violence: +7)

FINAL TALLY: And with that final flourish, Russell ensures Violence's victory, 42 to 31. Where will things go from here? Are vampire rights going to be struck down by uppity Mormon fundraisers? Will Bill ever tell Sookie what she is, or will they be comically interrupted on the verge of revelation right up until the finale? And will Franklin's remains continue to pursue Tara, like an indefatigable version of the blob with a tasty British accent?

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