True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: Network News Lacks Backbone

Last night's episode of True Blood served mainly to move some chess pieces (and vampire viscera) around before the final run of episodes, but it was not without its pleasures, as well as the return of a fan favorite. Still, can this slow-burn of an hour rate highly on the sex and violence meters? Let's take a look:

· There's trouble at Fangtasia, as Eric comes bursting in, so stressed out that he has not had time to fully put on a shirt. (It is a level of stress that the people on this show know all too well.) Pam is very worried, but before they can really go into things, Nan Flanagan enters with the touring company of Daft Punk to lay the pain down on Eric with some silver. (Sex: +2, Violence: +4)

· Russell zooms home to his suddenly much emptier mansion and finds Talbot's viscera on the floor. As he collapses crying, you may have thought to yourself, "Please don't touch it. Don't touch the viscera." Unfortunately he does, sweeping them around and collecting it as though he's an 8-year-old proving that he ate all the potatoes on his plate by spreading them as thin as possible. (Violence: +6)

· Sookie is taking a shower at home, and Bill comes in to kiss her bite mark. NAKED PAQUIN. Using a bit of his own blood, he heals her wounds and they make out while the drain runs red. (Sex: +8, Violence: +2)

· While confronting Bill about the weird family tree files he's put together, Sookie tiptoes around the naked werewolf left in her living room and delicately puts a towel over him. There is something very final about the way she does it, as though we're through with werewolves for the season. R.I.P., actors whose nudity outpaced their dialogue. (Sex: +4)

· At Lafayette's place, Jesus is in the kimono-bathrobe. (That line was taken verbatim from the Bible.) Lafayette kisses Jesus's jaguar tattoo, and somewhere, a wide receiver's eyes cross. Oh, Alfre is still here. Her wig and makeup looks impeccable, just like you would expect from an ESCAPED SOUTHERN MENTAL PATIENT. She says something offensive, as is her way. (Sex: +1)

· Jason pulls a gun on Crystal's fiance or father or brother or whoever. They fight a little bit and Crystal pistol whips him, then they both tie him up. Crystal insists that he be tied up with rope, as he can escape handcuffs -- though she doesn't explain why. Crystal, we're already suffering through the "What is Sookie?" plotline. Reveal that you come from a family of unicorns and be done with it! (Violence: +3)

· As Nan interrogates Eric about Russell, the authority watches via webcam. The most violent part of this scene are Pam's pink Uggs. (Violence: +1)

· Sam and Tara have a moment together gauging interest in the two of them for a season four relationship, but that is interrupted by a call from Arlene's. There is screaming coming from Tommy's room, so he is probably sexing someone, killing someone, or heavy-petting with Alexander Skarsgard. Knowing this show, it could be all three. (Sex: +2)

· Sam immediately heads over, and as promised, Tommy is assing around! There is also a topless girl there. The whole vibe is very weird, and Sam Trammell kind of backs out of this scene before they make him take his clothes off, too. (Sex: +10)

MIDWAY POINT: In this fairly sedate episode, Sex is far outpacing Violence, 27 to 16. The candy dish full of Talbot's brains is so displeased right now.

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