True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: Seduce and Destroy

· Alfre brandishes a knife to break up the Lafayette-Jesus "don't be a drug dealer" conversation, which has been sucking the wind out of their scenes together. OK, Alfre, you've finally done something useful. At least Laffy and Jesus get a good kiss later, so there's that. (Violence: +1, Sex: 2)

· Crystal! She has been hit in the face. Jason's totally fine with it, and they heavy pet on the couch. (Violence: +1, Sex: 2)

· At Vampire Mansion, Eric grabs the jiggly Hadley so that she'll send a message to Sookie. That message is, "Do you have another sweater? I've been wearing this one for eight episodes." (Violence: +1, Sex: +1)

· Sookie and Alcide decide to double down on their unresolved sexual tension as she gives him a hug and he gives her a sniff. "Should we kiss this season?" he wonders telepathically. Sookie gives him a firm no. I'm sure Alcide was just as firm, in his own way. (Sex: +3)

· Hoyt wanders into Merlotte's and rumbles with Tommy, sort of, but Hoyt is apparently seven feet tall (who knew?) and that nips things in the bud. Tommy is so the little dog who takes on the big dogs. (Violence: +1)

· Bill and Jessica are mock-fighting at top speed and it's kind of fun. More Bill/Jessica scenes, please. (Violence: +3)

· Russell and Talbot are still having a spat about Russell's decision to behead the Magister, and Talbot breaks a lot of nice things in a fit of pique. Eric offers to sex Talbot up, like we've been waiting for half this season. (Violence: +1, Sex: +2)

· Crystal and Jason are post coital, but meanwhile, Crystal's posse walks into Merlotte's looking for her. Tommy finally gets to shove someone. On True Blood, men shove other men and women attempt to choke other women. It's just the way things are. (Violence: +1)

· Eric and Talbot are not much for awkward small talk. "I'm bored," Talbot whines. "Take off your clothes." I am certainly not against scenes where Alexander Skarsgard gets shirtless and makes out with other dudes, but shouldn't this be a little sexier? Maybe the problem is Skarsgard's odd thousand-yard stare, like he's either being led to the executioner or trying to bend a spoon with his mind. (Sex: +10)

· Jason comes into Crystal's hillbilly barn and there's someone there gnawing on meat or something. Weird. I'm enjoying his hillbilly investigation subplot principally because I like to imagine Jason as a much dumber, hunkier version of Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone. (Violence: +3)

· Catfight! Debbie comes after Sookie and there are slaps and punches! Chairs thrown! Mirrors broken! Sookie even does Jack's flying dragon punch from the Lost season finale. Ultimately, Deb tries to choke Sookie, but when will the women on this show learn that Sookie can never be choked to completion? Sook drives some scissors into Deb and blasts a shotgun into the wall near her until Deb dives out the window in retreat. This fight didn't really get it due thanks to the 8,000 other things it was intercut with, but it was kinda rad. (Violence: +15)

· Bill and Jessica fight wolves, mostly offscreen. We do get to see a hungry Bill hovering over a nude wolf-man before he has to rush outside and help Jessica, who's been bitten into by Russell. Nooo! Bill thankfully goads Russell into a fight, and Jess takes off. (Violence: +4, Sex: +4)

· Finally, the confusingly edited Eric-Talbot sex scene you've been waiting for. After a bit of foreplay, Eric stakes him from behind -- not like that, though. Talbot, if you had to die, at least it was while Alexander Skarsgard was making contractually obligated love to you. There are plenty of worse ways to go. (Violence: +8, Sex: +15, )

· As Hoyt drives by, Jessica is biting into Patrick Swayze's naked brother. I don't have much to say about that, so I'll just mention that we are interviewing both Theo Alexander (Talbot) and Marshall Allman (Sam's brother Tommy) today, if you've got any questions for them. (Violence: +3, Sex: +4)

· Sookie and Bill reunite, make out, and then we finally get our first NAKED PAQUIN of the season as she rides Bill and they have angry sex. (Sex: +15)

FINAL TALLY: The Eric-Talbot scene was more than enough to give Sex the win, but the unexpected homecoming of NAKED PAQUIN (returning to her True Blood throne like a benevolent ruler back from an extended Pilates holiday) made this a 70-to-51 blowout. Until next week, kids!

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