Jersey Shore Fresh-to-Death Report Card: Grades N' Grenades

After last week's inaugural Fresh-to-Death Report Card, I realized something about Jersey Shore: It is unfair to rank the Guidos. You can't place Snooki's talking-Chicken-McNugget antics ahead of Pauly D's ones-and-twos-mixing-thereupon. It's not right. This week we're assigning marks based on the Guido Credos of GTL, BPB, IFF (new this episode), and dramatic excellence. Who gets an A? An F? Grades are posted after the break.

· An A+ for Snooki, who responded to a phone call for Angelina with the immortal rejoinder, "No, she f*cking died." She graduates with an honors degree in Hater Management from STFU, and the board of directors claps, weeps, and goes to the Jersey Shore, b*tch.

· An A for The Situation and Vinny, for their "Shirt-before-the-shirt" thesis on Freshness. Their wife-beater upkeep was second-to-none this episode, and their argument that Guidos should wear rehearsal tanks before switching them out for loud graphic tees was well-organized, passionate, and fulla wisdom. They will soon fistpump with diplomas in hand.

· An A- on DJ Pauly D's Sexuality Studies dissertation: "I look up, I see Angelina, she's dancing with girls. I mean, I think a lot [of girls] like both [girls and guys] nowadays anyway. So it's not surprising, but it's interesting." Come to the head of the class, DJ Pauly, and accept bouquets of plaques and peonies from GLAAD.

· A B+ for Ronnie's attempt at having "a Schnooki Night." I didn't understand his point. Schnickers never makes out with two girls at once and retreats home to sleep with an aloof ex-girlfriend/pox on humanity named Sammi. Never. But if he's talking about enjoying debauchery, he succeeded with cum laude flair.

· A B in Porky's Props for Vinny, Snooki, Pauly, and JWOWW: Snooping on adorable Troll-doll JWOWW in the bathroom while she dishabilles "Honey"-style is perverted in an awesomely ninth grade way. Perhaps they even glimpsed her adorable navel jewel.

· A B- on Snooki's Drivers Education midterm: "I bought the glasses. When you put them on, you can't really see. So you can't really drive with them, you'll get a ticket." On the right track!

· C+ for Pauly D's promotion of a Grenade-Free America. Yelling at the horrible Angelina grenade won't make her go away. You need to accept that grenades are grenades, throw them to a gorilla in Tampa, and allow them to explode in the panhandle. You can retake this test, Pauly.

· C in Saved by the Bell references for my good man Ronnie. "We're not Zach and Kelly," he said of himself and Sammi. No, you're not: You're Slater and Jesse Spano, clearly. And God willing, Sammi will also be replaced by a leather mama named Tori.

· C- for Ronnie and Sammi's ability... to be bearable. Ugh, Ronnie's speech to Sammi? "I love you so much, and that is my downfall." Is "Ronnie" a pseudonym? Because I suspect his birth name is "Rihanna feat. Ne-Yo." Because that's the second verse to "Hate That I Love You," basically. I hate that I love a lot of things, namely this show sometimes. Moving on.

· D+ in Cockblock Extension from Angelina. She didn't exactly educate Pauly when she flew into a cockblock rage and tried to tell him he was messing with an engaged woman. Nice try, Angelina, but Pauly was right when he said you were the one smooshing with a married schmuck.

· D in Culinary Hygiene for Vinny. Once Snooki knocks your uncooked barbecue chicken onto the floor, it's best not to ask everyone what to do with it. Just discard. Even The Situation knows that's a load of colors you can't salvage with laundry action.

· D- in Existence for Angelina. Always.

· Lastly, an F in Not-Screwing-Yourself For the Rest of Season Two for Ronnie. When Pauly D coined the term "IFF" (which I believe stands for the "I'm F*cked Foundation") and named Ronnie its commissioner, prime minister, and grand poobah, he was basically just assigning him our F. Thanks for passing it along, Pauly.

To review:

Top of the Class: Snooki

Flunking Out: Angelina

GTL Congeniality Award: The Situation, whose freshness (and potential germaphobia) will go on until his death, for real.