Bachelorette Studfinder: Did Ali Find the Right Stud?

Last night on The Bachelorette, Ali Fedotowski considered the flavors of Roberto and Chris L., her remaining two bachelors, and selected a scrumptious husband. Did she opt for Roberto's salsa-with-no-cilantro inoffensiveness or Chris L.'s ho-hum Cooler Ranch charms? The answer will shock you. Maybe.

And the winner is...

...not Chris L.! Though he seemed like an underdog whose stud capacities might flare up at the eleventh hour, Chris's jackal libido never took off -- it just stayed on the jackal runway, and languished. Cliched though it is, Ali responds to broad smiles and grandiose romantic gestures, and in hindsight, Chris's monotone earnestness wasn't going to make a marriage. His sly humor was always a plus, but it wasn't a winning trait. Oh well. Someday his average-but-with-impressive-blonde-hair princess will come.

And it's Baseball Pants for the win! Roberto earned the first rose of the season, and it seems fitting -- and in its own way, disappointing -- that he came through with the last rose, the mountaintop monologue, and the proposal. Based on face-value appeal, Roberto was always the victor. Ali singled out his sexiness on day one and apparently saw more than I did when it came to his trite salsaman antics.

But last night's proposal proved that Roberto still isn't much of an original. His speech to Ali about "staying up all night thinking" came off as false, and his squinty brooding seemed (for the first time all season) like a camera-eager indulgence. I'm grateful he was picked so that a fierce Mattel boy-bander like Kirk has a chance to be the next bachelor, but Roberto's persona has never evolved past "smily-and-agreeable cipher." Then again, you could really say the same for Ali. And in fact, here I go: She's a smily and agreeable cipher. There you have it, I guess.

I have more faith in this duo than the clearly mismatched Jake and Vienna. Ali doesn't expect much, Roberto's genteel strides never fail, and they love hoisting each other up for a hug in the street. That's all that Chris Harrison ever wanted for these dreamchildren.

And with that: Bring on Bachelor Pad!