True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: This is Sookie's Happening, and It Freaks Her Out

· In the back of the van, Sookie takes a saw and cuts into her arm. Sheeeyit! She's remarkable unfazed by the fact that she JUST CUT INTO HER ARM WITH A SAW until Bill digs in a little too much and then pins Sookie, sucking her. At least he didn't suck-rape her like Bill does in the books. I think we all had our fill of attempted vampire rape during season six of Buffy. (Violence: +10)

· Tara comes back around to see what's up as Alcide pees on the side of the road. When she sees bloody Sookie, her crazy eyes reach their maximum limit (Crazy Eyes: +15) and she kicks Bill out of the truck. Remarkably, he does not burn in the sun, leading to a hilarious one-two punch of Bill moments: His startled reaction of "Eh, OK!" and then his My Secret Identity super-speedy run into the forest. (Violence: +5)

· Back at Dogfightville, one of the dogs is shot in the head. Goodbye, dog. Out of all the casualties of this episode, I will miss you most. (Violence: +3)

· Sam shapeshifts back into human form in the dogfighting house and punches the guy who brought him in. I'm shocked that Alan Ball doesn't do more with the fact that shirtless Sam has a leash around him, but I guess Pam is too far away to make any jokes about this. He lets out all the dogs and busts up his brother's dogfight. "Give him your clothes!" he barks (sorry) to Tommy's father. We don't need to see this guy in his tighty-whities anymore, Sam. (Sex: +4)

· All sorts of stuff is going down in the hospital! Sookie violently resists a blood transfusion, and now she's in a coma. She has a vision where her hair and makeup is just exquisite, then she walks down the hospital dream-corridor like Christina Ricci in that one Moby video. Somehow, Sookie imagines that she's visiting a 1960s commune, or possible a mental hospital's recreation area full of really attractive, occasionally topless patients. (Sex: +5) They scoop water light from Lost and dance a lot and I think we're all pretty embarrassed. Not, Sookie, though. She is excited to learn the answer to her identity mystery: She has the blood of Jennifer Beals in Flashdance! Dance, Sookie, dance!

· Back at the hospital, Bill shows up, and Tara's eyes go all Tex Avery on him (Crazy Eyes: +12). Bill bites into his hand to save Sookie. (Violence: +3)

· Pam (Pam!) is still chained up by the Magister, but at least he got her some sterling silver jewelry from Tiffany's -- all the better to pierce her eyelids with. Pam does not relent, but luckily, Eric zooms in to save her with Sophie-Anne in tow (he is still wearing The Shirt, however, so Sweater-Sullying: -10). Oh, and Russell is there too, and he mentally knocks the Magister around some before chaining him up in Pam's place and stabbing him until he officiates a brief wedding between him and Sophie-Anne. For his trouble, he gets a slow-mo beheading. (Violence: +15)

FINAL TALLY: With such a bloody episode, it's no surprise that Violence triumphed with 67 points. Kudos to Tara, however: Crazy Eyes beat Sex, 45 to 30. Even Shirtless Hoyt didn't stand a chance.

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