True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: This is Sookie's Happening, and It Freaks Her Out

Yesterday's rollicking True Blood served up dead characters, big plot moves, a potpourri of shirtlessness, and a vision of paradise as a place where you get drunk in the middle of the day and dance to harp music. Could sex triumph over violence this week, or did Tara's crazy eyes threaten to outdo them both? Let's start tallying points:

· We pick up right where we left off: Lorena is sucking on Sookie (get used to it, Sook -- that's gonna happen a lot in this episode) when Bill leaps to action, begins to choke Lorena with a chain, and sets up a moment where Sookie stakes her and she just vomits up blood and it's super gross. Well, this is a cold open! (Violence: +10)

· Tara comes in, and to shut her up and forestall her crazy eyes (Crazy Eyes: +8), Sookie plays around with Lorena's remaining innards for effect. Every time a vampire dies on this show, I expect a Buffy-like poof, so thanks for reminding me that's not the case, Alan Ball. Does this mean, however, that the not-exploded Franklin is still alive? Boy, it will be awkward when he resumes wooing Tara with his new mace-face. (Violence: +3)

· A Sam scene only 4 minutes into the episode? Uh-oh. The show's most plot-marooned character is attempting to get into a dogfight, but the ornery proprietor is threatening him with a gun. (Violence: +1) Now, maybe I play too much Scribblenauts, but couldn't shapeshifting Sam just transform into a bird, fly, or Kraken and slip in unnoticed? Sheesh, Sam. For the record, transforming into a Kraken usually solves anything.

· Sookie & Co. have still not left Lorena's underground torture dungeon because every time they attempt to, someone else comes into the room to delay them. It's like door-slamming British farce, but with everyone attempting white trash accents to various degrees of success. This time, Debbie Pelt is threatening them with a gun as Sookie screams expletives, and Debbie brings up her biological clock or something? TMI, Debs. Not the place! Tara gives Sook telepathic crazy eyes (Crazy Eyes: +10) and then tackles Debbie. Once again, Tara is not allowed to choke someone to completion, because Coot enters and Alcide shoots him. Would that every True Blood episode disposed of this many characters in the first ten minutes! (Violence: +10)

· Team Sookie escapes, but weredogs are chasing their getaway van. Alcide runs one over. Because this show would never miss the opportunity to film a naked man, at least we get to see the were's naked corpse. Also, hello, shirtless Don Swayze. (Violence: +2, Sex: +3)

· I mean, hello shirtless Jason! (Sex: +5)

· I MEAN, HELLO SHIRTLESS HOYT (Sex: +10). Did we miss a love scene between these two, and if so, why?

· Summer wants Hoyt to taste her biscuits. Jason is much more interested than Hoyt, but then again, he has lots of biscuit-tasting experience. (Sex: +1) Let me just say that at the recent Comic-Con version of Merlotte's, they weren't serving any biscuits, but they did have hot wings (sure) and quesadillas (what?). The fun part was imagining how each of the actors on this show might say the word "quesadilla" in the dialects they have chosen for themselves. I think we all agreed that Stephen Moyer needs to give this a try. (Quesadillas: +5)

· And now Sam is stripping down to dog-transform. This is some sort of quid pro quo in Anna Paquin's nudity rider, isn't it? (Sex: +2)

· Oh, the Sophie-Anne set again. Not a fan of this production design (or maybe it's just the soundstage lighting?), though I do love Evan Rachel Wood in a birdcage. Can't be tamed, y'all! Eric bites into Hadley and GETS BLOOD on the powder-blue sweater that you all know I have hated this season. I am so excited about a potential costume change that I can't hear A SINGLE WORD anyone else is saying in this scene. (Violence: +5, Sweater-Sullying: +10)

MIDWAY POINT: Violence leads Sex, 31 to 21, but don't count Tara's Crazy Eyes out! They're making a play for second place with 18 points.

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