True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: The (Confirmed) Bachelor

· Lafayette brings Jesus home, but before they can move past the innuendo phase of their relationship, rednecks batter Laffy's car, then Laffy batters them while providing necessary exposition about his drug dealing. Jesus had never thought to ask how Lafayette could afford those cheomsangs, but he is not having it. (Violence: +2)

· Evan Rachel Wood! Yes, Queen Sophie-Anne is back, and she's frantically scratching off lottery tickets for extra cash. Russell enters and proposes to Sophie-Anne, and a vengeful Eric knocks her to the ground and puts his hand around her throat. So many almost-stranglings on this show! After Lorena did the twist, it's kind of an empty threat, isn't it? (Violence: +1)

· Eric flirts more with Russell. It would be hotter if, like all the characters on the show lately, he wasn't clearly lying through his fangs and telegraphing that to the audience. (Sex: +1)

· Meanwhile, in Dungeonville, Lorena is licking torture blood, which I'm pretty sure polite people didn't do in the 1930s. Bill is DRENCHED in plasma. Seriously, everyone is so covered in blood. Can't wait to see the syndicated version! (Violence: +5)

· Oh hey, Coot and Debbie. They come in and Coot kicks Bill as Debbie sucks his vampire blood, then they make out over Bill's prone body. If we could add some sort of scatological symbolism, this would have been a fantastic performance piece for Nao on Work of Art. (Sex: +5, Violence: +2)

· Previous episode were heavy on Sam's brother and didn't even bother to introduce Jessica until the back half of the show, but this week, the positions were switched: we see Sam's brother for the first time at the 40-minute mark, and he's shirtless. More of that, Alan Ball. (Sex: +3)

· Just when I was beginning to get used to that crazy Tara/Franklin thing, she just smashes Franklin's face clean in. So that happened! Later, she and Sookie beat a guard up while I place internal bets on whether Franklin will continue to comically stalk Tara, this time with his head falling apart like Jessica Alba in The Killer Inside Me. (Violence: +5)

· Ruh-roh, Crystal has a shirtless fiance! (Sex: +2)

· Oh hey, thrusting man ass! (Sex: +10) Jason faux-busts that quarterback from a few episodes before and slams him into the car hood. There is a distressing shot where Jason has his face scrunched up and is struggling for the right dumb word to say next and he looks just like George W Bush, and I think we should all just move on.

· Debbie and Coot are having white trash V sex on the mansion lawn, practically. Sookie looks disgusted, but I seem to remember someone having dirt sex in a cemetery once. (Sex: +3)

· Oh hey, naked Alcide! That was brief. The schoolchildren definitely saw more than we did. (Sex: +8)

· Lorena flings Sookie against the wall and bites her. It's a fangbanger cliffhanger! (Violence: +3)

FINAL TALLY: Finally, Sex won, 43 to 41! Violence, you gave it your best -- who could forget that weird goo-staking from the cold open? -- but ultimately, it was up to Alan Ball to make things right with the most sexed-up episode since the season premiere.

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