True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: The (Confirmed) Bachelor

Last night on True Blood, we watched a rose-giving ceremony that will surely result in a sexless coupling wrecked by gay rumors, infidelity, and emotional abuse -- basically, it was a condensed version of this season of The Bachelorette (complete with all the gratuitous shirtlessness that implies). Does that mean that sex finally triumphed over violence this week? Let's find out!

· We get off to a rollicking start this week as Russell enters the matchy-matchy mansion and flings Bill and Sookie to the ground. Bill stakes a vampire guard into goo, then gets flung onto the ceiling (where he does not dance). Alan Ball gets the writing credit, I think, for the first time this season. (Violence: +8)

· As Eric lasciviously preens over her, and Lorena advances the idea of ribcage couture, Sookie bursts out with "Eric, what the f**k!" You guys know I have a soft spot for Anna Paquin shouting expletives. (Violence: +2)

· Lafayette and Jesus are taking it kind of slow, but as soon as Jesus affectionately calls Lafayette "Bitch," you know they're meant for each other. There will be no sex on the first date, but Lafayette will allow a kiss. Is anyone going to tell Justin Suarez what his dad is doing? (Sex: +3)

· Arlene reveals her bloody, lemony pregnancy to Jessica, but eventually they bond over Jessica's ability to glamour people into tips. Fortunately, Arlene can look the other way when Jess bites into a problem customer. (Violence: +2)

· Jason is silhouette-sexin' Crystal, but she is NOT into any pervert stuff, OK? Suddenly, she starts sniffing around, like a cat. This element to your relationship could be construed as pervert stuff, Crystal. (Sex: +3)

· Back at the mansion, Sookie confronts Eric, and they are really letting Anna Paquin do all her impressions of the other cast members this season, aren't they? Eric makes fangy threats (Violence: +1), but Russell intercedes, and he and Sookie have a good, meaty tete-a-tete.

· "How much do you miss the 1930s?" Lorena asks a tied-up Bill. "People knew how to behave." Lorena is SUCH a tea-partier. Alone in their torture dungeon together, she cuts into his chest, then cuts into her finger and plays a really weird version of blood brothers. Bill guilt-trips her into blood-crying and gets a slash to the cheek for it. (Violence: +5)

· Oh God, Tara and Franklin again! He's wearing, like, satin jammies? I mean, maybe that's all Talbot has in the guest room, but it's kind of a weird look. A tied-up Tara plays along and leans forward to kiss him, completing the odd tableau. I still don't buy the shift from savvy, one-step-ahead Franklin earlier in the season, but I guess Glee has prepared me for 180-degree character reversals at the drop of a hat. Tara gets him shirtless and then is goaded into biting him. OK, finally, a Tara/Franklin scene that's as scary and funny as I think they were intending them to be last week. (Sex: +5, Violence: +5)

· Eric is really trying to make Russell and Talbot think he could play for their team, ahem. Eric, to paraphrase Jack Donaghy, you don't have to try so hard. That powder-blue sweater is definitely bi-curious. (Sex: +3)

MIDWAY POINT: Violence is leading Sex, 23 to 14, but like Crystal, I can smell some incoming pheromones. (Or maybe I'm just having a stroke.)

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