True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: When Vampires Can't Afford Napkins

· Once again, Jessica's first appearance in the episode is after the half-hour mark. Dock points! (Sex: -10, Violence: -10, Franklin: -10)

· Fortunately, Sam's little bro is into her. Downside: It means she won't reconnect with Hoyt just yet. Upside: Sam might finally get a storyline, by proxy! (Sex: +1)

· Shirtless Jason (Sex: +5) is washing his squad car and he sees the Kristin Chenoweth-looking girl from the drug bust a few weeks back. He pursues her in the squad car and, honest to God, Hee Haw music plays! Maybe they don't need that laugh track after all.

· Franklin is absurdly crying over Tara, and I hope against hope that this is more of that "good actors who are bad at bad acting" shtick, but no. It seems our Franklin really is kind of a nutbar, alas. (Franklin: -5)

· Hey, a Bill/Coot fight! Coot says, "Suck that dick!" but Bill only does that in Sam's fantasies (and that one time in college). One vampire guard gets his face melted on the silver doors, which kind of reminds me of Gremlins for some reason, and also makes me want a waffle. (Violence: +10)

· Here is a note I took about this next scene: "jason crystal innocent flirting sadface conversation kissing." That about sums it up. (Sex: +3)

· Eric is still wearing the bizarre light blue v-neck. WHO costumed this episode? Russell invites him to indulge Talbot while he's away. Oh he will! (Sex: +1)

· Sam's faux dad attacks him for being nice to his brother. At this point, Sam would have to shape-shift into a Kraken (while post-coital with Bill, natch) to make this subplot work. (Violence: +4)

· Franklin is so mad that Tara has to eat day lilies, and he smashes the bowl. Out of all the characters in this episode who are quite obviously lying through their teeth, Tara is actually pretty funny right now. "I have to eat. It's a thing." Franklin promises that he will turn her into his vampire bride. It would have been scarier if Old Franklin had said that -- and yes, Franklin of two episodes is officially "Old Franklin." We move fast on True Blood. (Violence: +2, Franklin: -5)

· Eric and Talbot check out Japanese vampire erotica specifically so you'll think this is the episode with the much ballyhooed Eric/Talbot sex scene. It isn't! (Sex: +1)

· Viking Eric flashback! He's lusty and long-haired and finger-banging a wench, Don Draper-style. Was this his screen-test for Thor? Alexander, you may have dodged a bullet. (Sex: +5)

· Uh oh, wolves attacked Eric's family! For the first time this season, there is some bad werewolf CG straight out of New Moon as one is impaled. (Violence: +4)

· Bill comes to Alcide's to embrace Sookie and warn her, but WHAT is Bill wearing? Like a Puma zip-up or something? This may be even worse than Eric's H&M sweater. Coot and his friends attack and Sookie blasts Coot with a ball of magic straight out of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but it's OK, because a lot more people saw this than will ever see that. (Violence: +5)

FINAL TALLY: Violence wins again with a score of 30 points, while Sex staged a comeback to finish off at 11 and the inaugural Franklin meter (once so promising!) finished at a measly negative 5. The solution is clear: Franklin needs to have choke-sex with a naked Anna Paquin that would make even David Carradine blush. Get on it, Alan Ball.

Pages: 1 2