True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: When Vampires Can't Afford Napkins

Usually with our True Blood recaps, we like to tabulate sex and violence using a point system, then crown a winner at the end of the show. This week, we'd better introduce a third feature: the Franklin meter.

Has James Frain's twisted vamp continued his streak of episode-stealing subplots, or is this the week where he finally comes undone? Let's find out.

· With Tara in tow, Franklin enters the Vampire King's estate and is immediately confronted by the mincing Talbot, who treats Tara like a puppy and actually calls her "matchy-matchy," because her skin tone clashes with the decor. It was nice of them to warn us upfront that this would be a parody episode. Franklin tells Talbot to shut up, immediately winning my heart. (Franklin: +20)

· Bill, Lorena, and Russell enter, their faces and limbs still covered in blood after chowing down on Stripper Miley last week. (Violence: +2) Does anyone want a crack at Tara? "Certainly not I!" Bill doth protest-too-much. Oh Bill, you get so nineteenth century when you lie through your fangs.

· Later, Russell is haggling over money with Franklin and he still has not cleaned up his face. Grab a wet-wipe, man! Wouldn't Talbot care about this? Continuity! (Violence: +1)

· Franklin, how do you feel about your relationship with Tara? "The attraction is e-llllectric." Russell about sums things up with, "Franklin, you're a huge freak." (Franklin: +10)

· Upstairs, Lorena and Bill flirt with dried blood still all over their faces. This is getting ridiculous. They look like a hotsauce-covered Elizabeth Banks in Wet Hot American Summer. (Violence +1)

· Talbot is hot for Eric, and I just don't believe that an appearance-obsessed Talbot would be attracted to Eric in that periwinkle sweater, because even I'm having trouble with it. (Sex: +2)

· Bill, Eric, and Russell have a summit where Bill pretends he's on Russell's side. Two observations: The good actors are so bad at bad acting on this show, and Denis O'Hare's hair is so distractingly dyed that I must give it a point for visual violence, wreaked upon my eyes. (Violence: +1)

· Debbie comes upon Sookie in Alcide's love den (it may be a cute little pad, but think of the shedding), then lunges at her, shrieking, "I will cut you!" As always, anyone who lunges at Sookie is restrained before they even get close to a delightful chokehold. (Violence: +3)

· Uh-oh. Tara is tied up in Franklin's guest room, wearing a curtain or something, because Franklin is in love with her. This is actually super dorky, Franklin. You've gone from Season Two Spike to Season Four Spike in just one episode. (Franklin: -10)

· Oh wait! Franklin gets chokey with Tara when she gets a text from Lafayette. Poor Tara always has to inherit Sookie's deferred chokings. (Franklin: +10, Violence: +7)

· Aaand Franklin suddenly becomes that guy who never gets off his smartphone, telling Tara, "Watch how fast I type 'motherf**ka.'" Oh, guys. I'm sure this scene cracked them up in the writers room, but I kind of preferred Franklin as a scary, seductive know-it-all, not a blithering idiot. That's what we have Jason Stackhouse for. (Franklin: -10)

· Sam's brother throws a box at him too hard. This is how Sam's latest exciting storyline begins! (Violence: -3)

· Upon learning that Terry is shacking up with Arlene, Sam gives him a very lingering hug. it's not as shirtless as his last man/man pecs/pecs hug, but that was a hard act to follow. (Sex: +1)

· Back at the Vampire King estate, a fully clothed Franklin apparently fell asleep beside Tara after showing her how fast he can beat a level of Angry Birds. Frankie, what happened to our love? (Franklin: -5)

· Jason is bored at the office and indulges in some wacky hijinks, which finally crystallized the thought for me that this is the episode that someone will use for the inevitable "What's True Blood like with a laugh track?" Youtube. (Violence: +1, for falling out of his chair)

· A fleeing Tara is attacked by Coot. That sentence probably can't be improved upon. (Violence: +2)

· Lafayette has sort of an awkward flirty thing with the visiting Jesus. Even more awkward is the fact that Lafayette is in a cheomsang or something? He looks like if Jada Pinkett Smith talked her way into presenting at the Asian Excellence Awards, because Jaden was in The Karate Kid. (Sex: +2)

MIDWAY POINT: The Franklin and Violence meters are tied at 15, while Sex lags frightfully behind at 5.

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