The Bachelorette Studfinder: Ranking the Last Three Hunks

The Bachelorette went and did horrible things last night. Seriously, could Ali Fedotowsky botch this game of muscles and matrimony anymore? She picks the safest gents every week and eliminates anyone who emits mild verve or a vital sign. Is she scouting for mannequins? Is she casting a Kraftwerk video? She certainly deep-sixed my favorite contestant last night, a bundle of Mattel abdominals and pearly whites who should be declared an intergalactic lifeguard god. But fear not: We have three combatants left to rank, so join me as I get petty fast.

3. Roberto

Look, Roberto. You're attractive and winsome and the sorcerer of smiles. You fit inside a real baseball uniform, and you fill out a banana hammock and hold up the grapes just right in the harlequin romance that is The Bachelorette. But you're this season's Tenley -- fine enough to survive until the end, but lacking any sense of wacky to seal the deal. Ultimately, Ali's going to want a man who doesn't just hit her pop-ups; she wants some darting pupils and other signs of fallibility to tuck her in at night.

2. Chris L.

I am writing Chris L.'s biography just so it can be properly titled "Chris L.: A Nice Sad Man." What Ali interprets as down-to-earth about Chris is what I see as his biggest drawback: He's melancholy and missing a connection with Mademoiselle Fedotowsky. He told his family, the people he's allegedly closest with, that "When I say Ali's name, I just smile." That doesn't mean you're in love, Chris. Smiling sometimes means you're thinking of a pork tenderloin, or Roberto's baseball pants, or Chris Harrison's creepy questions. "Smiling" can also mean that you have no reaction to Ali and would prefer to redefine that apathy as abject glee. I am onto you.

And Chris's ho-hum family was no help. Quoth his dad: "Sometimes life is short-lived." Sometimes sanity is short-lived also, I find.

1. Frank

Yep, I saw next week's preview, the one where Frank confesses something brutal like, "I don't know if I can go through with marrying you, cipher lady who cries a lot." But Frank's home life in Chicago wooed me -- his family laughed at things. They seemed like people. Frank stopped with the scary frozen snowman eyes with them. I hope Frank sticks around for the final two. I want to see his Rankin-Bass claymation-townperson stare turn into a gloriously nervous half-grin.

The Real #1: Kirk

Oh, he will be back as the bachelor! Mark my words! YOU MARK MY WORDS. Love/slurp him.