The Bachelorette Studfinder: Single Jake Pavelka Crashes the Party

Like a good short story, a recurring motif ran through last night's Bachelorette episode -- and, like Shirley Jackson's The Lottery, that theme was creepy anxiety. Kirk was so "nervous" as he held Ali in a stupid blanket, Frank emitted his usual asthma bubbles, and Roberto worried that he's too skilled a salsaman for this whole damn thing. Tension! Also: Jake and Vienna anxiously reunited to talk about how their relationship was magical until a Lifetime movie took over and it turned out Jake had murdered some nuns (or something). Since he's single now, we have no choice but to include him in this weeks stud rankings. Join us for the stud rundown!

5. Jake Pavelka

AHAHAHAHAHA. That big idiot. What a miserable mess Jake's section of the show was. As Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi appeared in a breakup special that occupied 40 minutes of previously Fedotowsky-claimed programming, it was impossible not to stare him down like a school bully and ask, "Are you going to cry? Are you?" and try to punch him in the nads. I'm not saying Vienna is a desirable paramour, but I am saying that Jake's complaints that she "disrespected," "emasculated," and "undermined" him sounded like an enormous self-esteem deficiency barreling to light. We already know his definition of disrespect is pretty liberal, and the "emasculation" claim's stupidity speaks for itself. Good try, Jake, and bye forever.

4. Kirk

You know Kirk is my favorite. He's got just the right comic timing and statuesque nipples for this game. He's funny! He almost died because he lived in an asbestos-infected frathouse! He converses like... one who can converse. All superhuman things. But Ali either doesn't understand human interaction or believes Kirk is slightly rambunctious for her, and the latter may be true, frankly. If I were Kirk, I would try a new approach called "sex." Frozen Frank thinks that's a Kasparov-level ability.

3. Roberto

Roberto has the perks of a romantic Sim. He is symmetrical. He wears a baseball uniform sometimes. He will start a salsa dance in the front yard for two friendship points. But Ali has a strange inferiority complex when it comes to Roberto -- twice now she's voiced concerns that he's too good for her, and just yesterday she told him she still needs to figure him out. There's nothing to figure, Ali. He's ready to buy the $3,500 refrigerator, speak in dialogue bubbles about airplanes, and get promoted to Minor League Star! Accept it! Hope the burglar doesn't make off with your chess set.

2. Frank

Look, we all know Frank is a snowman. You can't really mount a snowman, or better yet, have a four-million dollar wedding with a snowman on ABC while Jason Castro plays the uke. That's too much pressure for coal-eyed Frank. Still, he seems to want Ali the most out of the four remaining guys, and I think that will serve him well in the coming weeks. Once he stops gazing like he just saw Gloria Stuart beat up a horse, he'll claim the top spot.

1. Chris L.

Good-humored, reasonably self-deprecating Chris L. is peaking at just the right moment. He hid in the pack for awhile (alongside those other Chrisses), but he and Ali see eye to eye. Unlike the others, he doesn't want to be impressive; he wants to be comfortable. He possesses the kind of jocular ease that makes you want to furnish a basement with him and buy a ping pong table. Don't worry, I have tears in my eyes too.