True Blood Sex and Violence Meter: Let's Twist Again, Like We Did Last Summer

· Boring sheriff quits because this show is too violent and has too many characters. Bye, boring sheriff! (Violence: -2)

· Jason envisions a bullethole on Tara's forehead. Not this again. (Violence: +1)

· Eric has heard rumors that he has a big gay sex scene coming up in the series, so he heads to Lafayette's to gift him with a car and practice his same-sex flirtations. It goes...OK. (Sex: +1)

· Sam has to deal with his family being embarrassing and belligerent at his bar. What is UP with this storyline? This is a show about monsters, people.

· At Jessica's, Franklin pulls out a dismembered head. Franklin is the best character on the show. (Violence: +5)

· Sookie flirts with a werewolf who kinda sorta tries to rape her until Alcide intervenes with fisticuffs. Good thing we didn't have a rape scene in this episode. Phew! (Violence: +5, Sex: +2)

· OH WAIT. Bill totally loses it and kinda-rapes Lorena (well, I would need to defer to Whoopi Goldberg to decide if this was rape-rape or not), then twists her head around as though her neck was taffy, which I like to do with Starburst candy when they're warm and pliable. I don't have sex with them, though. (Violence: ∞, Sex: ∞)

FINAL TALLY: That hissing noise you hear? It isn't Eric intimidating some werewolf, or Pam murmuring a leftover Samantha Jones line into the crotch of an alluring Estonian dancer. No, it's the hiss of smoke escaping from the sex and violence meters, both of which were busted by that final, over-the-top scene. (It may also be a hiss of relief from journalists who were sent this episode weeks ago, yet had to keep quiet about its, er, twist all this time.) It's a tie! Stay tuned this week for our interview with Mariana Klaveno about just how they shot that crazy f***king sex scene.

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