Real Housewives of New Jersey Reality Check: Breast Implants and Learning Disabilities

Dear Bravo, must you continually plumb new depths of humanity each week in your fame-monger franchise, the Real Housewives? In last night's edition of the New Jersey series, Danielle underwent a strip mall breast augmentation and Teresa -- the housewife who just declared bankruptcy - spent $100,000 on a Studio 54-themed housewarming party. But there is more showstopping entitlement where that came from! Click through to read about the other depressing threads woven into last night's faulty tapestry, "Bubbies Gone Bad," and to see which evolutionary disappointments hit Movieline's patented Real/Fake jackpot.

REAL: Albie is Experiencing Failure For the Very First Time

Until this point in the series, Albie Manzo has been the best and brightest of the Housewives' offspring. He is the best-looking, the most charismatic and engaging. He is the protective older brother you always wanted and the single D-list star that you actually hoped would succeed. He lives a privileged lifestyle with vague mob connections and he affectionately tweets about his mother. In other words, he was thought to be perfect by viewers, until last night when Albie revealed that he was actually suffering from a learning disability. He had failed to crest the 2.0 minimum GPA his law school demanded and they were ejecting him from their program. Heartbroken, Albie approached his mother and confessed how "friggin' worthless" he felt -- it was such a rare display of hopelessness from Albie that his mother and viewers everywhere wept. Caroline reached deep though and delivered this on-the-spot support speech that should be printed and reused by every reality star whose child is suffering from a learning disability:

"Don't you let anybody tell you you can't do anything. They told you you weren't good enough. Over my dead body you're not good enough. You're going to show them what a mistake they made. And by that I mean, for not only you, OK, but for every learning disability kid that comes after you -- that maybe they'll think twice about it. Don't you ever let them tell you you can't be what you want to be. Ever. Ever!"

FAKE: Danielle Needs a Fourth Breast Augmentation To "Feel Comfortable" With Herself

Last season, Jersey cast member Teresa subjected herself (and viewers) to a grisly breast augmentation surgery, and in last night's episode, Danielle followed suit with her own enhancement. Only as she explained via confessional, this operation was not motivated by vanity but by -- something much more noble that she could not identify. A small parade of strip-mall surgeons walked into the room one-by-one and asked Danielle to strip down, which she comfortably did in front of Bravo's camera crew. Each professional shuddered at the sight graciously blurred by the network and then explained that Danielle's condition was very, very serious and would require major, major surgery. In fact, after Danielle had finally been put under, Bravo filmed the surgeons as they stared incredulously at the deformity and discussed their uncertainty about the next move.

As Danielle lay there, unconscious and naked under the knife, Bravo viewers wondered why the Jersey housewife would not spring for a better plastic surgeon considering this would be her fourth breast surgery. But then they reassured themselves -- Danielle is comfortable in front of the camera and would be more than happy to expose herself again for a cable program-- even if it meant subjecting herself to another team of under-qualified surgeons working in a dimly lit office at the local strip mall.