Bachelorette Studfinder: Poetic Justice

The studs are getting too easy to find on The Bachelorette, America. Last night, Ali made her competing bachelors fly to Iceland, recite love poetry, and spelunk in an ice cave to win her big stupid affection. Only five of the lads can win a spot on our elite "Studfinder" list, but honestly, whittling the selection down to the perfect quintet was a cinch. Compare your hottie roster to ours!

5. Justin

Teehee! The cuddly crutch-master is not even likable, but he did outclass Kasey during the two-on-one date with Ali. He had an unbeatable strategy going in called "not purchasing an enormous black tattoo." Kasey (codename: Heartguard) screwed the Icelandic pooch on that one.

4. Roberto

This man uttered the phrase, "I don't believe I'm that hot." Pelt him with the panties, great-aunts everywhere. He even allowed his facial symmetry to slip a bit when he scrunched his eyebrows to tell Ali he missed her. Here is a man who will do anything.

3. Frank

Frank's eyes have the depth of the average stuffed animal, but we can't hold that against him: He steps up when Ali declares him too aloof, and he's vocal about needing to be "at her side." During the times when Ali wraps her arms around him, he even gets a little lifelike. That's champ material on The Bachelorette.

2. Ty

A come-from-behind favorite! Ty is a Southern gentleman who knows how to ride horses and maybe even has a second skill too. That roster of specialties launches him well ahead of the pack. He's also the brawniest dude of the group, which is important in a Nordic makeout partner.

1. Kirk

No one heated up the land of Bjork better than Kirk, the only conversationally aware, actually funny, emotionally real man in this klatch. While most contestants on The Bachelorette can't pick up a social cue with a forklift, Kirk used his date time to explain his brush with death (and asbestos insulation) in his college years. Also, his free verse during the poetry challenge? Actually a little intelligent: Ali does have root beer eyes! Confirmed! She has A&W eyes, cream soda tresses, and all the appeal of a sugar-free Red Bull. She's a taut column of power, yes, but that's really just syrup inside. Thank you for bringing lyrical greatness to this decaffeinated hour, Kirk.